Should I Let My Ex Back Into My Life?

by Lindsay | Nov 6, 2024 | Love + Relationships

I get it. You’ve moved on. Or at least thought you had, but then out of nowhere, your ex reaches out. Suddenly, you’re faced with that age-old question: should you let them back into your life or not? I know how confusing and emotional this decision can be. And of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all right answer, but there are questions you should definitely ask yourself before making any decisions one way or another and deciding what’s best when an ex wants to come back into your life.

Step One: Reflect on Personal Growth

The first thing to consider is growth—yours AND theirs. Have you grown since the breakup? More importantly, have they? Relationships often end because both people need to work on themselves individually (as well as on the relationship) and it’s essential to know if that work has been done.

• Have you both been actively working on self-growth? If you’re still in the same headspace or struggling with the same issues that caused your breakup, you’re likely very to repeat the same patterns and fall back into the same insecurities, mistrust, or disrespect that ended the relationship to begin with.
• How have you changed since the breakup? Think about the ways you’ve grown. Are you more confident, more self-aware, working on mindfulness to ease anxiety? Is this the version of you that your ex will appreciate or have you outgrown the style of relationship you had with them?

If you or your ex haven’t made significant personal strides, it may be worth pausing to give yourselves more time to reflect on both of yourselves and what went wrong in the relationship. When you both have this insight personally and as a couple, it will lead to the start of repairing what needs it for you as individuals and as optimal partners. Make sure you gauge where your partner is as well before making any decisions. These can be tough conversations to initiate, but very important. You can ask things like, “have you talked to anyone [a professional] since our breakup?” or “what self reflection or growth books have you read since we broke up?”. This isn’t to say you should expect them to be “all better” and healed at this point (same with yourself), but just that they’re intentionally working on becoming self aware and interested in making improvements both as an individual human for themselves and as a caring partner for you.

Step Two: Consider the Time Factor

Time can be a healer or a temporary distraction. How much time has passed since your breakup? A few weeks, months, years?

• Was the breakup fresh or a long time ago? If it was recent, emotions might still be raw and it’s easy to fall back into old habits. On the other hand, if enough time has passed, you might both have gained clarity.
• Were there unresolved feelings? Sometimes exes reach out because they miss the comfort, not because they genuinely want a fresh start with that person. Make sure time hasn’t blurred the reasons for the breakup.

On a side note, it might also be worth considering how long it’s been since they last broke up with someone else, if they dated someone after you. They could be lonely if they’ve recently just had their heart broken and looking for comfort in you. Their pain might be clouding their judgement or they could just be looking for a rebound with someone familiar. This of course isn’t to say you’re not valuable to them, but just that they might not be really be thinking about your best interests and only looking for a temporary fix to their situation and hurt from someone they know cares about them.

Step Three: Revisit the Reasons You Broke Up

This is one of the most important steps. Rewind to why you broke up in the first place. Were trust and betrayal factors or was it more a matter of timing or distance?

• Are the same issues still there? If the problems that drove you apart, such as trust issues or lack of communication, are still present, it’s likely the relationship will hit the same roadblocks, especially if these circumstances were the cause of extreme hurt and feelings of betrayal. Again, evaluating if there has been any work done in these areas will be vital in this scenario.
• Has the difficult situation changed? Maybe it was bad timing or life circumstances that got in the way. If those external factors have shifted, you might both be in a better position to try again with greater success.

Be honest with yourself here. Are these issues truly resolved or are you hoping they’ll magically disappear? You really have to look at the situations for what they are and not just what you want or hope to see. Don’t ignore the red warning flags, but also be open to seeing the green flags if there’s a possibility they might now be there. If you’re not sure, maybe a little more time apart might be needed for further clarity before jumping back into any commitments.

Step Four: Weigh the New Circumstances

Life doesn’t stand still and new circumstances bring new challenges. Since your breakup, a lot may have changed for either one or both of you.

• Have you or they gone through a divorce or do you have children now? These new realities add layers of complexity. If either of you now have kids, you’ll need to consider how rekindling the relationship could impact them and whether either of you have logistically have the time to prioritize working on the relationship given their other life priorities and responsibilities. Kids will ultimately always come first, so consider if your relationship could still thrive given the addition(s) in conjunction with the work it might take in order to be successful and fulfilling this time around.
• Are there new commitments or challenges? Maybe one of you moved for a job or has taken on greater responsibilities at work that would affect a potential relationship. Again, if time and/or distance were factors before, what would that look like now with the new commitments and what are each of your expectations now given the new circumstances?

Ask yourself whether your lives are compatible now in ways they weren’t before. Really evaluate and be open with one another (and yoursel) if your current lives are conducive to restablishing the relationship at this time.

Step Five: Get Real About Trust, Boundaries, and Respect

Trust is a non-negotiable foundation of any relationship. If your breakup involved broken trust, betrayal, or boundary issues, you need to be honest about whether those wounds have healed and if the behaviors that lead to the pain still exist.

• Can trust be rebuilt? If your ex hurt you deeply, rebuilding trust is going to take time and effort and it’s okay to question whether it’s worth the emotional investment.
• Are you able to establish healthy boundaries? Both of you should be clear on what you’re willing to accept this time around. If boundaries were a struggle before, now is the time to establish them. You need to really think about what’s important, use your voice, and stand your ground and walk away if needed knowing you’re doing what’s best for you should your partner not be able or willing to respect your boundaries. It’s not about asking anyone to change their lifestyle or habits, but just letting it be known what your needs and non-negotiables are and allowing each other to see whether or not you can meet those needs for each other. Communication, openness, and acceptance from both sides is crucial.

You both need to be willing to be patient, realizing that it’s a process and might take some time to get it right. If the effort and willingness are there, there is always hope. But if your partner isn’t willing to be forgiving when you have a day that you’re struggling more with trust and need a little extra reassurance, and have grace with the path it would take to succeed to rebuild trust, that’s definitely something to consider before making your decision. A compassionate and understanding partner is paramount in any relationship, but especially when there’s a situation as fragile as rebuilding broken trust.

Step Six: Think About Family and Friends

We sometimes overlook the fact that breakups don’t just affect the two people involved. They can also have a big impact on everyone around them. The longer time you and your ex were together, the more likely love grew for the family and friends in both of your lives. Consider how your breakup involved and affected those closest to you.

• How do your family and friends feel? Did things get ugly during the breakup or was it amicable? If the people who care about you were hurt or worried, it’s worth considering their perspective and how your rekindling the relationship might affect them.
• Have they forgiven your ex or moved on? While this doesn’t mean you should let others dictate your choices in partners or the status of your relationship, the opinions of those who know and love you most can be valuable and offer you insight that you might be too close to the situation to see yourself.

At the end of the day, the life you build with your partner is private and nobody else’s business or decision. I would never tell you to base your most important decisions on opinions of others, no matter who they are in your life (children excluded). However, your mate and your family/friends are all going to be in your life simultaneously so you want to make sure the relationship is supported and everyone will be comfortable around the holiday dinner table or if the time comes to give away the bride, or at least be able to “fake” it amicably. Most of the people in your life, I’m sure, just want to see you happy which is where their protective nature typically comes from. So if you’re happy with your decisions, it’s likely they will be too and happy to support you.

Step Seven: Ask Yourself If It’s Worth It

In the end, this decision comes down to whether letting your ex back in feels like it could lead to something positive or whether it’s a path you’ve already been down and it’s time to keep walking.

• Could this be a new chapter? If both of you have grown, resolved past issues, and are ready to approach things with fresh eyes, maybe this is a chance to start anew.
• Or is it time to run away (again)? If you feel a sinking sense of dread at the thought of returning to old patterns, it might be time to remember why you walked away in the first place. Also think about how you feel about them in general now or when you’re with them. Do you feel the same attraction or spark that you once did or do they give you an icky feeling now?

Think about the overall feeling you had with them and how things ended. Now that you have a little perspective, are you sad, relieved, or indifferent that the relationship ended? Consider what you had to go through to heal and start moving forward after the breakup, and if you would want to (or be able to) do that all over should the relationship not work out once again.

Step Eight: Be Clear on What You Both Want This Time Around in the Beginning

Before jumping back in fully to where you left off, it’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page about the type of relationship you’re looking for and how quickly you want things to move. Since you’ve already had a committed relationship in the past, there may be a temptation to quickly pick up where you left off and get serious right away. But sometimes, it can be worth it to approach things slowly, as if you’re truly starting from scratch with someone new. After all, if you’ve both done the work and put in effort to grown and learn about yourselves and the relationship, it sort of is like you are new people and might be worthwhile to treat the relationship as such.

• Take it slow, like you’re dating again. Try going out a few times without the pressure of commitment, allowing yourselves to see each other with fresh eyes. By starting from a more casual place, you might discover new aspects of each other that you may have missed before. Maybe keep dates light and fun without super heavy conversations at first to see if what initially attracted you before is still there before you get into fine tuning all the important details.
• Hold off on exclusivity and physical intimacy (at least for now). Rather than diving into the “official” labels right away and get too involved physically, give yourselves a chance to see how things are now without feeling pressured to make any permanent decisions or your feelings and emotions being influenced. This time, it’s about finding out if who you each are NOW aligns with where you both want to go.

Taking things slow gives both of you the freedom to rediscover each other naturally without expectations or pressure. It’s a chance to build something new from a familiar foundation with someone you most likely care deeply about, but with the space to decide if this is truly what you both want moving forward. Once you decide if everything seems aligned and that you want to move forward, start having those important conversations and addressing any issues so you can move into exclusivity and commitment again knowing that you enjoy each other, have done the work to make it work, and are ready to give it your full effort for success and happiness.

Final Thoughts: Trust Yourself

Whatever decision you make, trust yourself. You know your ex, your heart, your desires, and your life better than anyone else. Whether you choose to let them back in or decide to close that chapter for good, know that your well-being and goals for your life come first.

Sometimes, people do grow and change, and giving them another chance can lead to something beautiful. Sometimes the best relationships actually stem from a rocky beginning and the unconditional love and commitment that can only be formed by going through the worst and most difficult times together. Other times, it’s best to honor the lessons you learned and keep moving forward until you find someone more suited to your wants and needs in a partner. When going through my divorce, one of the best pieces of advice and reassurance I was given was “sometimes you can’t start a new chapter until you end the previous one”. So even though we have a comfort and familiarity with our ex, sometimes old habits won’t open new doors and it’s best to really be sure things have changed before jumping back in. But whatever you choose, do it for you, not out of loneliness (yours or theirs!), fear, or pressure. You deserve peace, happiness, and love that uplifts you.

Much love and wishing you a happily ever after (no matter what that looks like),

-LS