Dating vs. Being in a Relationship

by Lindsay | Jul 24, 2024 | Relationships

Navigating dating and entering into new relationships can be both thrilling and challenging, especially for women in their 30s who often have a clearer sense of what they want from a partner. From my perspective, especially after a divorce or long-term relationship breakup, there’s a significant difference between dating someone and being in a committed relationship with them. While both stages can be fulfilling and exciting, they each come with their own sets of expectations and dynamics. Knowing what you want, what your partner wants, and making sure you’re connecting with the right people at the right time is key to your own happiness and starting the relationship of your dreams.

Dating: The Exploration Phase

Dating is often seen as the exploratory phase where you’re getting to know someone without the weight of serious commitment. It’s a time for discovering mutual interests, values, and chemistry. Here’s how I see dating:  

• Casual and Fun: Dating should be enjoyable and light-hearted. It’s about sharing experiences and learning about each other without the pressure of long-term plans.
• Flexibility: In the dating phase, there’s more room for spontaneity and less need for rigid planning. It’s a period to see if you’re compatible without feeling tied down.
• Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is crucial. Both parties should communicate their expectations and understand that the relationship may not progress beyond casual dating if they’re not on the same page.
• Exploring Interests: This phase allows you to explore shared and individual interests. It’s a time to engage in activities together, see new places, and create fun memories without the stress of future planning. Trying new things with someone of interest can be exhilarating.
• Personal Growth: Dating can be a period of self-discovery. You learn more about your own preferences, deal breakers, and what you truly seek in a partner. This could help allow you to grow beyond dating or at very least know what you prefer in future partners if this shouldn’t work out.
• Low Stakes: There’s less pressure to impress or conform to long-term expectations. It’s about being completely yourself and seeing if you naturally align with the other person.
• Socializing: Dating often involves social activities, group outings, or casual meetups. It’s a chance to see how you both interact in different social settings.
• Communication Practice: Effective communication is key in any relationship and dating provides an opportunity to practice this skill. It’s a chance to openly discuss likes, dislikes, and future aspirations. Make sure you both see a similar future for yourselves before committing to anything further.
• Evaluating Compatibility: This phase is crucial for assessing compatibility in terms of lifestyle, values, and future goals. It’s a period to identify potential red flags without the pressure of commitment or being too invested to break it off.
• Enjoying the Present: Focusing on the present moment and enjoying each other’s company without the anxiety of wondering what’s next.
• Freedom: Both individuals maintain a degree of personal freedom and independence. It’s a time to balance personal space with shared experiences.
• Learning About Each Other: Every date is an opportunity to learn more about the other person’s background, experiences, and worldview. This knowledge helps in understanding each other better and come to realize whether you’ll be compatible long-term partners.

A Committed Relationship: Intentional and Future-Oriented

Once a relationship is established, it signifies a shift towards a more intentional and committed partnership. This phase involves deeper emotional investment and often includes discussions about the future. Here’s what I believe sets a committed relationship apart from casual dating:

• Intention and Commitment: A committed relationship implies that both partners are invested in building a future together. This could involve cohabitating, planning for marriage, or even starting a family. This is the time to start combining two separate lives into one. 
• Higher Expectations: With commitment comes higher expectations. There’s an understanding that both partners will support each other through life’s challenges and work towards common goals.
• Communication: Open and honest communication becomes even more critical. Discussing your future, setting boundaries, respecting each others’ needs, and ensuring that both partners are aligned in their goals and values is essential.
• Deeper Connection: A committed relationship fosters a deeper emotional connection. There’s a sense of security and stability that comes from knowing your partner is equally invested in the relationship’s longevity.
• Shared Responsibilities: In a committed relationship, there’s a greater emphasis on sharing responsibilities, whether it’s household chores, financial planning, or emotional support. It’s about working together as a team.
• Mutual Support: Partners in a relationship are there to support each other’s personal and professional growth. There’s a commitment to being each other’s biggest cheerleader and confidant. Couples should find comfort and peace in their partner.
• Conflict Resolution: In a committed relationship, resolving conflicts becomes a priority. There’s an understanding that disagreements are a part of any relationship, but that finding healthy ways to resolve them is crucial for long-term happiness.
• Trust and Loyalty: Trust and loyalty are the foundation of a committed relationship. Both partners are dedicated to being faithful and honest, which helps build a strong and resilient bond. Being committed means being mutually exclusive and no longer dating anyone else for the entirety of the relationship (which the goal is hopefully to be forever).
• Long-Term Planning: This phase often involves planning for the future together, such as buying a home, saving for retirement, or discussing future family plans. It’s about aligning your visions for the future, the timelines for these visions, and working towards them together. Of course life will happen and plans will have to evolve as time goes on, but ensuring that communication is established ahead of time means each new challenge can be met with a discussion and pivot together.
• Emotional Investment: There’s a deeper emotional investment in a committed relationship. Both partners are more vulnerable with each other, sharing their fears, dreams, and insecurities, which strengthens their connection.
• Routine and Stability: Committed relationships often bring a sense of routine and stability. There’s comfort in knowing that your partner is a constant presence in your life, providing a stable and secure foundation. There should be a desire to include each other in daily activities such as cooking or eating a meal together, watching a TV show, and having regular date nights.
• Shared Values and Goals: A committed relationship is built on shared values and goals. Both partners strive to understand and support each other’s aspirations, ensuring they are moving in the same direction together, while also helping to nurture each others’ individuality.
• Intimacy and Bonding: Physical and emotional intimacy should deepen in a committed relationship. There’s a greater focus on creating a strong bond through shared experiences, deep and meaningful conversations, affection, and understanding. You should be experiencing intimacy to a level at this point that’s only shared exclusively between the two of you and it should help to deepen the bond that you have together, whether through physical or non-physical acts.
• Adaptability and Growth: As individuals and as a couple, there’s a continuous process of growth and adaptation. Committed partners are willing to grow together, adapting to life’s changes while maintaining their bond.
• Unwavering Support: In a committed relationship, there’s an unwavering support system. Partners stand by each other through thick and thin, celebrating successes and providing comfort during tough times.

My Perspective on Expectations and Communication

As a woman, I find that my expectations evolve as the relationship moves from casual dating to a committed partnership. In the dating phase, I look for compatibility and shared interests, while experiencing fun and social dates together to get to know one another. Once we transition into a relationship, I expect more in terms of emotional support, commitment, shared responsibilities, exclusivity, and long-term planning.

However, regardless of the stage, the most crucial element is communication. Both partners must be willing to discuss their desires, boundaries, goals, and needs openly. This includes planning together and being flexible as life happens and situations change. Whether you’re casually dating or in a committed relationship, being on the same page ensures that both parties are satisfied and working towards a harmonious partnership.

In conclusion, the difference between dating and being in a relationship lies in the level of commitment and intention. Dating allows for exploration and fun, while a committed relationship focuses on building a combined future and life together. The key to navigating both phases successfully is open communication and mutual understanding, ensuring that both partners are aligned in their expectations and goals.

Remember, every relationship is unique and evolves at its own pace. Embrace the journey, cherish the moments, and always prioritize honest communication. It’s better to establish your needs and that a dating relationship is going to work out long term before committing to something either of you aren’t ready for or happy about. Your path to a fulfilling and loving partnership is built on mutual respect, understanding, and shared dreams.

As always, with love and luck (whether dating or relating, haha)

-LS

Trust and Boundaries in a New Relationship After Betrayal

by Lindsay | Jul 10, 2024 | Relationships

Entering a new relationship after experiencing hurt, betrayal, and divorce can be daunting. The emotional scars from a previous toxic relationship can cloud your judgment and make it challenging to establish healthy boundaries that lead you to trust your new significant other. I know that for me, the desire to move on is there, but I also fear that maybe I’m not ready to trust again or that I might mess up something potentially great with an amazing man if I’m not fully healed.  I don’t want to project old wounds onto a new partner or end up hurting them and pushing them away because I just can’t get past what someone else has done to betray my trust. I’ve really been doing a lot of self reflecting, researching, and trial and error to figure out the best way to move forward to find peace and happiness in new relationships. If you’re also struggling with a new relationship or thinking about getting back into dating after a heartbreak (or multiple, like me!), here are some ways you can approach this delicate process to grow your next healthy and happy relationship.

1. Understand Your Healthy Boundaries

Recognize Your Needs: The first step in establishing boundaries with your partner is to first recognize them yourself. Take time to reflect on what you need from a relationship to feel secure and respected. This involves understanding what behaviors are unacceptable to you, what makes you feel valued, and what a healthy and balanced relationship looks like to you. If you’ve been hurt in the past by a particular experience, really dive into that experience and analyze what it would take for you not to feel that way again in the future.

Establish Clear Boundaries: Once you have a grasp on your needs, communicate them clearly to your partner. Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially when there is a particular hurt from a past trauma. Every relationship is different and maybe a new partner won’t trigger a wound left by a previous partner who has hurt you.  However, having these boundaries ahead of time and discussing them openly helps to define what’s acceptable behavior and what is not for both partners. For example, you might need boundaries around social media interactions, time spent with people of the opposite sex, or how much personal and together time you each need.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries

Be Honest and Direct: When discussing your boundaries, be honest about your past experiences and how they have shaped your current needs. A genuine partner will appreciate your transparency and be willing to listen.

Use “I” Statements: Explain your boundaries and feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when…” instead of “You make me feel…”, especially since your new partner might not have yet crossed any of these boundaries.  It’s definitely best to have these discussions ahead of time prior to any conflict, but then also reassess and converse again if anything upsetting or uncomfortable comes up (because that’s part of life and will inevitably happen through time in any relationship).

Be Open to Dialogue: Healthy communication is a two-way street. Be open to hearing your partner’s feedback regarding your boundaries, as well as listening to their boundaries and concerns as well. This mutual understanding is crucial for building a strong foundation and making you both feel like you’re part of a team.  It will help build trust and give you both an opportunity to be reassuring. Knowing someone’s past hurts and insecurities can be helpful in making sure you’re sensitive to them and help you to both cast out any doubts that either of you might have.

Continue to Evolve When Needed: If you’re already on the same page with your partner in all of the areas that are important to you both, great! If not, keep the lines of communication open and prioritize discussions that will lead you to a resolution together. Additionally, sometimes you won’t even know you have a trigger and need a boundary put in place until a situation arises. Be sure you’re both open to pivot when needed and again, always keep the communication flowing. Nothing kills a relationship faster than tension and resentment of undiscussed and unresolved issues.

3. Build Trust

Take It Slow: Trust is built over time through consistent and reliable actions. Don’t rush the process. Allow your partner to show their trustworthiness gradually and be sure you’re doing the same for them. Don’t accuse or “punish” them in the meantime until the trust is fully there. If I haven’t said it enough already, simply COMMUNICATE your concerns as they arise so you can continue on the path of complete and total trust. Remember that you’re both on the same team and tackle problems together because you care about and respect each other.

Observe Actions, Not Just Words: Pay attention to your partner’s actions. Do they follow through on their promises? Are they respectful of your boundaries? Actions often speak louder than words and it’s paramount for the direction of your relationship that you don’t ignore red AND green flags in your new partner’s actions.

Address Concerns Early: If something your partner does makes you uncomfortable, address it early on. Don’t let issues fester. A good partner will be willing to make communication a priority and willing to discuss adjustments to their behavior. Then, wait for the action and let them show you they heard and value you and your needs.

4. Work Through Past Traumas

Acknowledge Your Triggers: Self-reflection should be continual to be aware of the things that trigger negative emotions based on your past experiences. This self-awareness will help you differentiate between genuine red flags and old wounds to help you not potentially project them on your new partner. Yes, you need a supportive partner who is genuinely invested in you and helping you to feel confident in your relationship with them, but you need to be sure you’re doing your part and putting in the effort as well.

Be Slow to Anger: Give yourself space to process your reactions. Sometimes, your initial response may not reflect your true feelings. Take a step back, reflect on why you felt triggered, and assess if it’s a boundary that needs to be discussed or something you may just need to work through internally. I know that at least for myself, I sometimes have a different response once I give myself time to address why I really had a certain knee jerk reaction. Tell your partner when you need some space to process and give yourself the adequate time before addressing any concerns with them (within reason-you don’t want to go days or weeks without having open and honest communication). The goal is to be calm and collected at all times when discussing situations so you don’t turn healthy communication into an argument.

Therapy and Support: Consider seeking therapy or support groups. Professional guidance can provide you with tools to navigate your emotions and past traumas effectively. Sometimes an outside eye can also give awareness of triggers you’re not able to see yourself and can help determine the “why” behind them. Having that third party support is often helpful to get you started on navigating healthy boundaries and establishing trusting in others again. Even possibly suggesting a couple’s counselor might be something helpful for the two of you to start the relationship off on the strongest foundation as possible and set you up for long term success.

5. Find the Right Partner

Think Ahead:  Knowing your relationship goals and what you truly want with someone else is important so you can successfully choose a partner that’s on the same path as you and y’all can have the best chances of respecting each others’ needs after having been hurt.

Look for Empathy and Understanding: A partner who listens to your concerns, values your comfort and confidence, and is willing to work through issues together is invaluable. Mutual respect and empathy are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Being understanding, willing, supportive, non-judgemental, and someone who sincerely wants to work with you to make positive changes both as individuals and a couple are traits that we should all look for in a partner.

Mutual Effort: Relationships require effort from both parties. Ensure your partner is willing to put in the same effort to maintain and grow the relationship. It’s perfectly ok and actually quite normal the older we get to both come from places of trauma or have baggage we’re holding onto. As long as the effort is there, there is always hope for a loving and happy future together.

Past Baggage: Since you understand that everyone has their own past issues and baggage, approach your partner with the same sensitivity towards their experiences that you would like to receive from them. Each relationship is unique and it’s essential to navigate it with understanding, care, and most importantly, as a team. Learn to unpack together as a couple instead of working against each other and creating tension. Strive to meet challenges with love and grace for each other.

Rebuilding trust and establishing healthy boundaries after a toxic relationship is challenging, but definitely not impossible! So have hope. It’s simply about having self-awareness, being open to healthy communication, and finding a partner who respects and values you and your needs just as much as theirs. Remember, it’s a journey, and taking it one step at a time with the right partner will make all the difference. Be patient with yourself and with your partner, and trust that with time and effort, you can both find the loving and healthy relationship you desire.

With love and hope, as always,

-LS