Discovering Love Again: Dating After Divorce

by Lindsay | May 8, 2024 | Love + Relationships

Hello lovely ladies,

The aftermath of a breakup or divorce can be one of the most challenging journeys we undertake, especially the older we get and after longer time periods with that person. As someone who has recently divorced from a marriage, plus over a decade total together, I understand the whirlwind of emotions that come with such a life-altering event. Going through the healing process is a rollercoaster and definitely not linear. Plus, disconnecting the life you built and merged together, navigating the situation with kids, and just learning how to start over on your own can all be very scary, surreal, and overwhelming. However, once we make it over the complexities and difficulties, I’m very pleased to say it does get better and you can find happiness once again. Today, I want to share my personal experience and some insights on healing, knowing when you’re ready to move on, and dipping your toes back into the dating pool after a divorce in your 30s.

Healing After Heartbreak

Healing is the first and most crucial step. It’s perfectly fine to feel hurt, lost, scared, and overwhelmed. Give yourself the grace to feel and process these emotions, and any others you may experience. For me, it involved rediscovering passions I had set aside, spending quality time with myself and the furballs, reconnecting with my needs, and updating my home to create a happy space just for myself. Spending intentional alone time may be helpful and taking a short break from typical social events is okay. Your community will understand! On the contrary, therapy, support groups, and extra friend and family time can be incredibly helpful during this time as well. Remember, healing doesn’t look the same for everyone and there’s no set timeline on how long it should or will take. It’s about finding what works for you, allowing yourself to grieve and grow at your own pace, rediscovering your new self, and taking the best care of your needs and well-being (both physically and mentally) in the meantime.

Know When You’re Ready

How do you know when you’re ready to date again? It’s different for everyone. Some signs might include feeling genuinely excited about the prospect of meeting new people, having a clearer sense of what you want in a partner (or maybe knowing what you DON’T want), and feeling emotionally stable. For me, the thought of moving on almost felt like a betrayal to the partner I had been with for so long, so when the thought of dating someone new no longer gives you negative feelings, but instead fills you with curiosity and hope, that could be your sign. I also knew it might be time to move on after I stopped missing my marriage and wishing it hadn’t worked out the way it did, and finally had started to accept what “is” without the longing to get the things I had back. I finally started to embrace the thought of a new life with someone new who could love me in the ways that I needed. Someone wise (my mom) kept telling me, “you can’t open the door to something new until you close the door to the old” and that was really helpful advice to help keep me moving forward.

Put Yourself Out There

So, how do you start dating again? The idea can be daunting, but remember, you’re not alone. Many women (and men!) in their 30s are in the same boat. Start small and be gentle with yourself. When you do meet people, look out for red flags, patterns you see from past relationships, and follow your gut instincts to help protect yourself from making the same mistakes or from being hurt again.  It’s not that you have to build a fortress around your heart and never let anyone in again.  You just don’t want to be too cautious and settle for just anyone.  You’re worth happiness and someone who is going to treat you the way you deserve, so never accept any less!

When you’re ready, here are some ways to get back into the dating scene:

• Online Dating Apps and Websites:  Popular dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, and Match.com allow you to create profiles and connect with potential matches based on your preferences and interests.
• Speed Dating Events:  Many cities host speed dating events where you can meet a large number of potential partners in a short period of time. These events are structured to give you brief, timed interactions with each participant.
• Matchmaking Services:  Professional matchmakers and matchmaking services can help you find compatible partners based on your personality, interests, and relationship goals. These services often provide a personalized and curated dating experience.
• Singles Meetup Groups:  Websites like Meetup.com have groups specifically for singles looking to meet others. These groups organize various activities, from social gatherings to outdoor adventures, specifically designed for singles.
• Virtual Dating Events:  Virtual speed dating or online social events have become increasingly popular, especially post-pandemic. These events allow you to meet people from the comfort of your home via video chat.
• Social Media Platforms:  Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn can be used to connect with potential romantic partners. Joining groups or participating in discussions related to your interests can lead to meaningful connections. Many of these sites also have groups dedicated to meeting singles with common interests in your particular area.
• Online Interest Groups and Forums: Participating in online forums, Reddit communities, or interest-based groups (e.g., gaming, literature, travel) can help you meet like-minded individuals. Some of these connections can transition into romantic relationships and if not, you might be able to make new friends!
• Singles Cruises or Travel Groups:  Companies organize cruises and travel packages specifically for singles. These trips are designed to foster social interactions and romantic connections among participants.
• Dating Coaches and Workshops:  Engaging with a dating coach or attending dating workshops can provide you with strategies and opportunities to meet potential partners. These services often include social events and networking opportunities.
• Community Classes and Workshops (with a dating focus):  Some community centers and organizations offer classes or workshops specifically geared toward singles. These might include dance classes, cooking classes, or other activities designed to facilitate meeting new people in a structured environment.

Meet People Organically

Meeting new people and building relationships organically can sometimes feel more authentic and more traditional.  Although you never know when you’ll meet someone, meaning the process might take a little longer when you’re not actively pursuing a partner, there’s something so romantic about an unexpected meet-cute.  If you’re ready to start slow or just not into the more modern approaches to dating that I’ve already mentioned, just being active and present in your community can help you can meet Mr. Right along the way when the timing is perfect.  Here are some great places to consider that he might also be:

• Community Volunteering Events: Joining local charity events, community clean-ups, or volunteering at a food bank can be a great way to meet like-minded people who are interested in giving back to the community.
• Farmer’s Markets: Local farmer’s markets are perfect for casual interactions. You can strike up conversations about fresh produce, artisanal goods, or even local food vendors. Many markets also have live music or small events that encourage mingling.
• Art Shows and Galleries: Attending local art shows, gallery openings, or craft fairs can attract a diverse crowd of creative and culturally inclined individuals. These settings often have relaxed atmospheres conducive to starting conversations.
• Local Bookstores or Libraries: Many independent bookstores and libraries host book readings, author signings, and discussion groups. These events can attract people who share a love for literature and learning.
• Community Fitness Classes: Joining a local yoga, pilates, or group fitness class can be an excellent way to meet people who prioritize health and wellness. Many studios also host social events or wellness workshops.
• Cooking Classes or Food Tastings: Participating in cooking classes, wine tastings, or culinary workshops can be a fun and interactive way to meet others who enjoy food and cooking.
• Local Coffee Shops or Cafes: Frequenting a local coffee shop can help you become part of the regular crowd. Many coffee shops also host open mic nights, poetry readings, or casual meetups.
• Outdoor Adventure Groups: Joining a hiking club, biking group, or kayaking meetup can be a great way to meet active and adventurous individuals. Many outdoor groups have regular outings and social gatherings.
• Community Festivals or Street Fairs: Attending local festivals, street fairs, or cultural celebrations can be an exciting way to meet people in a festive and vibrant atmosphere.
• Language Exchange Meetups: Participating in language exchange meetups or cultural clubs can help you meet people interested in learning new languages and cultures, providing a unique and educational environment for socializing.

Remain Hopeful

Starting over can be intimidating (believe me, I know all too well!), but it’s also a time of great potential and excitement. Embrace this new chapter with an open heart and mind. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to move at your own pace and to set boundaries that make you feel comfortable. There’s no pressure or time limit to when any of this should be happening so go at your own pace. It’s important to remain hopeful and believe in the possibility of finding happiness and discovering love again, when you’re ready.

I want to remind all of you that it’s never too late to find your happily ever after. Your age or chapter in life shouldn’t define when or how you should fall in love. Every experience, every connection, and every step forward brings us closer to the love and joy we all deserve. So keep your heart open and your spirit hopeful. Love and happiness are absolutely within reach, even after the heartbreak of divorce.

To all of you wonderful ladies on similar paths, I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Let’s support each other and celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. And if dating again isn’t for you, that’s absolutely understandable, relatable, perfectly okay, and we celebrate you as well!

With love and the hope of romantic happiness once again,

-LS

Opposites Attract

by Lindsay | Mar 6, 2024 | Love + Relationships

Hey there, fabulous ladies in love!

Let’s talk about something that’s as intriguing as it is entertaining to me:  the magic of opposites attracting in romantic relationships.  Picture this…you’re madly in love with someone who’s the complete opposite of you in so many ways.  They snore like a freight train, while you sleep as silently as a ninja.  They’re a social butterfly, but you’re a cozy bookworm.  They’re a spender and you’re a budgeting guru.  But somehow, amidst all these differences, you’ve found common ground and your relationship thrives. You love them, despite being your polar opposite.

It’s a scenario we’ve all seen play out in movies, read about in books, and witnessed in real life.  But how do these seemingly mismatched pairs make it work?  Well, buckle up, because we’re about to jump into the “opposites attract” theory and the art of compromising when you’re in love with your opposite counterpart (as many of us tend to be).

In Exhibit A, let’s start with the classic case of the snorer vs. the non-snorer.  You’ve probably heard the jokes about separate bedrooms or even separate houses to escape the nighttime symphony coming from one partner that keeps the other partner awake to no end.  But hey, if it means both partners get a good night’s sleep and wake up refreshed and ready to face the day, then why not sleep separately?  Especially if you’ve attempted ear plugs, those nose strips to reduce snoring, or the anti-snore position on your adjustable bed.  Just be sure NOT to hold your snoring partner’s nose closed!! This is not healthy for them or you if they wake up swinging! Embracing separate sleeping arrangements doesn’t mean your love is any less strong.  It simply means you value your sleep (and sanity) and can actually be a sign to each other that you value the other’s wellbeing more than how you think your relationship should look.  The important thing to focus on is still getting enough intimacy and connection the relationship needs to thrive in ways other than cuddling up next to each other at night.  But there are tons of other ways to accomplish those types of connections, like cuddling on the couch while watching your favorite TV show before hitting the sack, so don’t be afraid to explore other options that work best for you both.  And on the plus side, when sleeping separately you get to skip the morning breath!  In all seriousness though, do what suits you best whether it be getting used to sleeping through a ruckus or throwing in the towel and sleeping in a separate bed or couch if all other attempts don’t pan out.

Next, there’s the adventurous extrovert paired with the quiet introvert.  One craves the thrill of new experiences and the buzz of social gatherings or storm chasing, while the other finds solace in the comfort of home and the company of a few close friends or family members.  But guess what?  These people always find each other! And no matter how awkward the initial conversions might be, they actually end up complementing each other perfectly in the long run.  The extrovert encourages the introvert to step out of their comfort zone, while the introvert grounds the extrovert when needed and provides a safe haven when the world gets too overwhelming in their face-paced mindset.  It’s a beautiful balance of yin and yang and sometimes in these cases these opposites are the best pairings for a successful long term relationship.

Now, let’s talk about everyone’s favorite/least favorite topic:  money.  We’ve all heard the saying, “opposites attract, but they don’t budget together.”  Well at least in my most recent experiences, I can attest to that being true.  One partner is a saver, diligently squirreling away every penny for a rainy day, while the other is a spender, living for the moment and enjoying life to the fullest.  But with a little compromise and communication, it is possible for these two to find a middle ground that satisfies both their financial goals and their desire for fun and spontaneity.  Maybe they set up separate accounts for personal spending while maintaining a joint account for shared expenses (you know, those less fun and responsible “adulting” things).  Maybe one partner is completely in charge of the monthly bills and expenses (only if both parties are comfortable with that!), then they give themselves and their partner an allowance of any surplus each month that wasn’t used for bills or savings.  Or perhaps they agree on a budgeting strategy that allows for guilt-free splurges now and then or sets a limit in place that is comfortable to them both, like $500 per month, where anything spent under that amount is fair game while anything over that amount will require a conversation between them prior.  Whatever the solution, the key is to find a balance that works for both parties and takes all their income, budget, savings, and spending goals in mind.  The overall goal is to be on the same page about the long term financial goals and to think outside of the box in terms of what options are available and best fit you both to meet those goals.  Being on the same page and acting like a cohesive team is most important, whether regarding money or any other situation!

Lastly, let’s not forget about those little everyday differences that make life interesting.  One partner is a night owl who burns the midnight oil, while the other is a morning person who greets the sunrise with a smile.  One loves rom-coms, the other prefers horror flicks.  One is a foodie (or a chef) who’ll try anything once, while the other is a picky eater with a limited palate.  One falls asleep 12 seconds after hitting the pillow and the other takes hours of scrolling before their eyes feel tired. One person is a talker and the other is the strong silent type. These quirks may seem trivial, but they can become sources of tension if not addressed with humor, understanding, and a little bit of encouragement from each other to reach outside personal comfort zones.  Maybe you take turns picking the movie for movie night or you compromise on a restaurant that offers something for both adventurous and more selective eaters.  It’s all about finding creative solutions that allow both partners to feel heard and respected, while supporting each others’ differences and celebrating individualities. No two people are exactly the same, even people who love each other deeply, so remember that and choose to have fun instead of get frustrated with these small and trivial variables.

At the end of the day, what matters most in a relationship are the core values and priorities that bind you together.  Trust, intimacy, communication, loyalty, fun, and connection are the foundation upon which a strong and lasting relationship is built.  As long as these big-picture elements are in place, the small differences become nothing more than endearing quirks that add flavor to your love story.  It’s not about conforming to societal norms or trying to fit into a preconceived mold of what a relationship should look like.  Instead, it’s about embracing the unique dynamics of your partnership with your favorite person and crafting a love story that’s authentically yours.  So, whether you’re a snorer paired with a non-snorer, an adventurous extrovert matched with a quiet introvert, or any other combination of opposites, remember that love knows no bounds.  Once you’ve chosen your person, fallen in love with them, and committed to being together no matter what, as long as both partners are happy and satisfied and the important stuff is taken care of, then you’re doing it right and set up for success.  Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to love.  Embrace the beautiful chaos of opposites attracting, find harmony in love’s quirks, and build a relationship that’s uniquely yours.  Celebrate the beautiful tapestry of love’s diversity and find joy together in the delightful dance of opposites attracting.  I hope all your relationships will be filled with lightness, laughter, understanding, empathy toward each other, and endless joy.

Cheers to embracing your quirky opposite and as always, lots of love,

-LS

Navigating Name Changes

by Lindsay | Feb 28, 2024 | Love + Relationships

Hi there, fellow women in transition!

Changing your last name can be a significant step in your life journey, whether it’s due to a marriage, divorce, or any other reason.  It’s a decision that involves personal identity, tradition, and sometimes, legal processes.  Whether you’re taking on a new last name, reverting to your maiden name, or a combination of the two, the process can vary depending on your circumstances and location.

As a woman who has recently gone through both a marriage and then a divorce back-to-back, I understand the complexities and emotions involved in this decision.  Changing your name can be empowering, but it’s also a process that requires careful consideration, planning, and execution.  From what I’ve learned recently, I thought I’d share my thoughts and a short guide for women who are contemplating changing their names, whether after marriage or divorce.  Or if you’re changing your name for any other reason, hopefully this might help you as well!

Reflect on Your Identity

Before diving into the logistical aspects of name change, take some time to reflect on your identity.  Your name is deeply tied to your sense of self and changing it can feel like a significant step.  I will admit that just before my wedding, I started to get cold feet about changing my name, even though I’m quite traditional and know that it was something I always wanted to do.  It’s important to consider how you feel about your current name and whether a change aligns with your personal identity and goals.  If you’re changing it to take your new husband’s last name, although this will be YOUR name, it is nice to also consider his feelings.  Is he also traditional and is taking his last name important to him?  If he’s fine either way, this may take a little pressure off of you and can really do what you most feel comfortable with.  And this may seem a little more on the shallow side, but again since it is going to be your name, do you even like it?  Does your new husband’s name fit with your first and middle names and is it something you’ll be happy having forever?  On the flip side, after getting a divorce and if you have children together, consider how you might feel having a different last name than your children (assuming you’re considering going back to your maiden name).  If that’s not a big deal to you then great because especially in today’s day all families look and sound different.  However, you may want to think about keeping your married name for the sake of ease when dealing with your children’s school or medical providers, or even to maintain the sense of family and continuity for your children even after going through a divorce, if those are things that resonate with you.  No matter what option you decide on, it’s all about what YOU want and what will make you happy and comfortable, so think about all your options thoroughly before making YOUR final decision.

Understand Your Options

Whether you’re changing your name after marriage or divorce, it’s essential to understand your options.  In the case of divorce, you may choose to revert to your maiden name, keep your ex-spouse’s name, or adopt a completely new name.  After marriage, you can opt to keep your maiden name, take your spouse’s last name, or have a hybrid or hyphenated last name.  I always thought the option of making my maiden name my new middle name when taking my husband’s surname as my new last name.  However, I personally didn’t opt for that because my middle name is special to me.  Though had it been something not quite as sentimental, this definitely would have been something I considered.  If you’re a professional or have any kind of public persona or identity, you may choose to legally take your husband’s last name, but keep your public and social name your maiden name.  Again, there’s no hard and fast rule on what name changes need to look like so take some time, write down your options, practice writing and saying them aloud, then see what sticks.

Legal Requirements

Research the legal requirements for changing your name in your jurisdiction.  The process can vary depending on where you live, so be sure to familiarize yourself with the necessary steps and paperwork.  In most cases, you’ll need to file a name change petition with the court and provide supporting documentation, such as your marriage certificate or divorce decree.  When I got divorced, I had to have special language in my decree that the judge signed saying that I was able to legally take back my maiden name.  Even if you’re not sure of your final decision upon getting your divorce, I would recommend putting this in your decree to prepare you should you decide you do want to change your name.

Notify Everyone

Once you’ve legally changed your name, you’ll need to notify relevant parties of the change.  This includes updating things like your Social Security card, driver’s license or state ID, passport, and any other government-issued identification documents.  You’ll also need to inform your employer, banks, insurance providers, and any other institutions with which you have accounts.  Don’t forget to update your name on personal records such as your voter registration, professional licenses, and memberships.  You may also need to update your name on utility bills, rental agreements, and other contracts.  Informing your friends, family, and professional network of your name change is an important step.  Consider sending out an email or social media announcement to let people know about the change and update your contact information accordingly.  Be patient in the in between time where people might still be adjusting to your new name or where it takes time to make the update.  In today’s digital age, it’s also fun when you get to update your online profiles and social media accounts with your new name.  This includes platforms such as LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and any other sites where you have a presence.  This might serve to also help with reminding family members of the recent change.  Lastly, remember to update your personal and work email signatures and website if you have one as well. 

Here is a more specific guide to help you with all the places you’ll need to remember making the change.

1. Legal Documents:

   – Social Security Card: Update your name with the Social Security Administration by completing the appropriate form (Form SS-5) and providing documentation of your name change, such as a marriage certificate or divorce decree.

   – Driver’s License or State ID: Visit your local Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) or equivalent agency to update your driver’s license or state ID with your new name. You’ll typically need to bring your current ID, proof of your name change, and payment for any associated fees.

  – Passport: Apply for a new passport with your updated name. You’ll need to fill out a passport application form, provide proof of your name change (such as a marriage certificate or divorce decree), and submit your current passport along with the application.

2. Financial Accounts:

   – Banks and Credit Unions: Contact your bank or credit union to update your name on your accounts, including checking, savings, credit cards, or loan accounts. You may need to visit a branch in person and provide proof of your name change. In my area (Texas), I had to wait until I received my new driver’s license before I was able to complete this step for one of my banks and had to bring it in person, along with my marriage certificate/divorce decree. Two of my other accounts just required that I provide a photocopy of all my documents through their online portal when I submitted my application to request my name change.

   – Investment Accounts: Update your name with any investment accounts, such as brokerage accounts, retirement accounts, and mutual funds.

   – Insurance Policies: Notify your insurance providers (auto, health, life, etc.) of your name change and request updated policy documents with your new name.

3. Employment and Professional Records:

   – Employer: Inform your employer of your name change and provide any necessary documentation to HR, such as a marriage certificate or divorce decree. Update your payroll records, email address, and employee benefits accordingly.

   – Professional Licenses and Certifications: If you hold any professional licenses or certifications, such as a nursing license or teaching credential, contact the issuing authority to update your name on file.

4. Government Agencies:

   – Voter Registration: Update your voter registration information with your county or state election office to ensure that you receive election materials and can vote under your new name.  I was actually able to complete this step during my application to change my driver’s license, but again, this may vary from state to state.

   – Tax Authorities: Notify the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) and any applicable state tax authorities of your name change. You may need to update your name on your tax returns, W-2 forms, and other tax-related documents with your employer.

5. Utilities and Services:

   – Utility Bills: Update your name on utility accounts such as electricity, water, gas, mobile phone plan, and internet/cable service. Contact your utility providers to request the change and provide any required documentation.

   – Rental or Mortgage Agreements: If you rent your home or have a mortgage, update your name on your rental or mortgage agreement. Contact your landlord or mortgage lender to make the necessary changes. They can provide you with the necessary steps that they require in order to make the change.

6. Online Profiles and Social Media:

   – Email Accounts: Update your email display name and signature to reflect your new name. You may also need to update your email address if you choose to create a new account.

   – Social Media Accounts: Update your name on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and any other sites where you have a presence. Review your privacy settings and adjust them as needed.

7. Miscellaneous:

   – Memberships and Subscriptions: Update your name with any memberships or subscriptions you hold, such as gym memberships, streaming service platforms, magazine subscriptions, and professional associations.

   – Legal Documents and Contracts: Review any existing legal documents and contracts (e.g., leases, wills, power of attorney) to ensure that your name is updated as necessary. Consider consulting with an attorney for guidance on updating legal documents.

By systematically going through this checklist and updating your name in each relevant area, you can ensure a smooth transition after marriage or divorce.  Remember to keep copies of any documentation you provide and don’t hesitate to reach out to the appropriate authorities or organizations if you have any questions or encounter any difficulties.

Consider Professional Assistance

Name changes are fairly common so companies are usually familiar and equipped to facilitate them quickly, but every company is different on what their require and when so be sure to reach out for assistance as soon as possible. If the name change process feels overwhelming, consider seeking professional assistance.  There are services available that can help streamline the process and ensure that all necessary steps are taken care of.  Or if you have a good friend or family member that has recently changed their name, ask for their input.  That doesn’t mean you have to follow the exact same steps they did, but they might be able to offer some insight or give more personalized suggestions since they know you better than anyone, as especially if they live in the same area that you do.

Embrace Your New Identity

Finally, embrace your new identity with confidence and pride.  Whether you’ve chosen to reclaim your maiden name or adopt a new one, your name is a reflection of who you are.  Embrace this opportunity for self-reinvention and embrace the next chapter of your life with optimism and determination.

Changing your name after marriage or divorce is a deeply personal decision that requires careful consideration and planning.  By following this guide, you can navigate the name change process with confidence and ease.  Remember, your name is an integral part of your identity and whatever you choose to do, do it for yourself and no one else.  Here’s to embracing new beginnings and forging ahead on your journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

With lots of love and my new/old name,

-LS

Traditional Long-Lasting Relationships

by Lindsay | Feb 14, 2024 | Love + Relationships

Howdy fellow romantics,

Even though we live in a world that seems to spin faster each and every day, where trends come and go as often as many of us change our underpants, the desire to have a traditional, long-lasting relationship remains a timeless aspiration for many of us.  And by “us”, I absolutely do mean me included.  While modern romance may emphasize and glamorize instant “microwave” gratification and casual romantic connections, there’s still something so fulfilling about the idea of a love that endures through all seasons of our lives.  I often think about high school sweethearts that have been together from teenage years all the way until the end of their lives.  To me, there’s nothing more beautiful than this type of unending connection.

Through all the research I’ve done since my recent divorce while trying to figure out how we failed so miserably and with the tons of self reflection I’ve done since that relationship ended, I finally feel that I have a decent grasp on what it takes to sustain a healthy and enduring marriage.  And as a woman who truly cherishes the beauty of tradition and unwavering commitment, these are things I will absolutely be intentionally implementing moving forward.  Today I’m here to share these insights with you as well on how to nurture a lasting love and have a traditional relationship that stands the test of time.

1. Willingness

This may seem like a no-brainer, but especially in my recent personal experience, the number one factor for a fulfilling and sustainable relationship is the willingness of both parties.  Even during rough patches, if both people show up and are 100% committed to try to resolve any issue that comes along, they’re already ahead of the curve and on the road toward the success of the relationship.  That’s not to say it will be an easy ride, but on the flip side, if one person isn’t willing, that’s basically a guarantee that the whole thing is doomed to fall apart.

2. Mutual Respect

The cornerstone of any lasting relationship is mutual respect.  Although relationships are for sure about togetherness, it’s also vital to honor each other’s individuality, opinions, goals, and aspirations.  Listen attentively, empathize sincerely, and communicate openly.  These gestures demonstrate respect that will lay the foundation for trust, which is absolutely necessary for the longevity of your bond.  Be sure to respect each other even during disagreements and celebrate your uniqueness, rather than looking at them as pain points that you’d like to change.  When you truly respect someone for exactly who they are and accept all their flaws, you can build a relationship that’s meant to last and sets the tone for reciprocation.

3. Communication

Effective communication is the lifeline of every relationship.  Be willing to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, be transparent about EVERYTHING always, and encourage your partner to do the same.  Communication isn’t just about talking, though.  It’s also about actively listening and trying to truly understand each other’s perspectives to work together toward a common ground.  Surface level conversations just won’t cut it either.  You really need to talk and listen to each other on a deep level and know each others’ hearts inside and out.  And pro tip:  it’s absolutely essential to do this before marriage and getting too serious.  You don’t want to skip out on the tough and uncomfortable conversations early, only to find out there are deal breakers once you’ve already married, moved in together, or started having children.  Start the convos sooner rather than later so you know ahead of time that you’re on the same page or have plenty of time to get on the same page before difficult situations come up.

4. Prioritize Quality Time

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters.  Make a conscious effort to prioritize quality time with your partner.  Whether it’s a romantic dinner, a leisurely stroll, or simply cuddling on the couch, cherish these moments together and make time for them no matter what else is going on in your life.  Invest in building shared experiences that strengthen your bond.  Everyone’s needs and desires regarding frequency will vary, especially in the beginning or in less than ideal situations like long-distance relationships, but as long as the priority is made and the quality is there, quantity doesn’t necessarily have to be a hardship.

5. Make Traditions

While modernity has its charms, there’s a timeless elegance in embracing tradition.  Whether it’s celebrating anniversaries, observing holidays, or upholding family values, tradition can provide a sense of continuity and stability in your relationship.  Find special little rituals that resonate with both of you and weave them into the fabric of your life together.  Make as many memories as you can together and with children or other loved ones that can be passed down through the generations.  This will not only deepen your connection as a couple, but also as a family unit.

6. Forgiveness

Forgiveness plays a crucial role in fostering long-lasting relationships.  Inevitably, conflicts and misunderstandings arise in any partnership, but it’s how we navigate these difficult moments that truly define the strength of our bond.  Forgiveness allows us to let go of resentment and grudges, paving the way for healing and reconciliation.  It’s about choosing to release the grip of anger and hurt, and instead extend empathy and understanding towards our partner.  By demonstrating forgiveness, we create space for growth, compassion, and renewed connection within our relationship, ensuring that love prevails even in the face of adversity.

7. Practice Patience

No relationship is without its challenges.  It’s essential to be patient and understanding with your spouse as you navigate the ups and downs.  Be willing to look past mistakes, learn from them, and grow together.  It’s not about avoiding conflicts altogether, but about resolving them with grace, dignity, integrity, and understanding for one another.  Remember that you’re on the same team and working toward the same goals, so it’s likely that your partner’s mistake isn’t intentional or meant to hurt you.  Being patient with them as they work through their mistakes so they can fully recognize, acknowledge, and accept what they did to upset you will hopefully help them feel safe and not judged during their low point.  They’re simply a human (as are you!), so then be sure to forgive them often and fully, and move on.  Patience allows us to weather storms with grace, knowing that growth and transformation require perseverance and resilience. It’s about giving our partner the time and space they need to flourish, while also being understanding and having empathy in moments of frustration or tension, or when they might be struggling and need you the most.  By practicing patience and self control during challenging times, we cultivate a sense of harmony and balance within our relationship, fostering a love that endures the test of time.

8. Support Each Other’s Growth

Encourage each other to pursue personal growth and fulfillment.  Celebrate each other’s achievements and be a source of strength in times of difficulty.  A healthy relationship is one where both partners feel empowered to pursue their own separate dreams, while also knowing they have unending support and love at home.  Our jobs as spouses are to be our partners number one cheerleader and support system, even when dreams don’t go quite as planned or take longer than expected.  Always let know your partner know you’re there for them and they can rely on you as they grow into each stage of their life.

9. Nurture Intimacy

Intimacy goes beyond physical attraction and the physical act of making love.  It’s also about emotional closeness and connection.  Take the time to nurture intimacy through meaningful conversations, acts of kindness, and affectionate gestures.  Keep the spark alive by continually exploring and deepening your bond.  Kiss, hug, and hold hands.  Talk openly and listen to each other.  Be intentional with time spent together and really invest in opportunities to grow your bond.  Whatever makes the two of you feel physically and mentally connected will help build intimacy and open the door to really feeling loved, cared for, valued, wanted, and supported by your partner.

10. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

In every partnership, there’s bound to be differences.  Nobody is the same, especially when you consider that opposites supposedly attract.  So always remember that compromise is key.  Be willing to meet halfway and find solutions that honor both of your needs and desires.  Recognize that you’re a team and your strength lies in your ability to navigate life’s challenges together.  Sometimes when you can’t come to a 50/50 agreement on a particular situation, learn to pick your battles.  Let your partner have their desired outcome this time if it’s not something truly essential for you and ask them to do the same for you in the future.  As long as both of you are putting in equal effort, equal sacrifice, and are equally as happy with the outcome of your life together overall, you’re on the right track.

11. Never Stop Dating Each Other

Just because you’ve been together for years doesn’t mean the romance should fade.  Keep the flame alive by continuing to date each other.  Surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, plan spontaneous adventures, and never underestimate the power of a simple heartfelt love letter.  Even stay-at-home dates where you have dinner and a movie in pajamas on the comfort of your own couch can be plenty, especially in the young children stage of life.  The most important thing is that you’re carving out special time for just the two of you without phones, kids, or other distractions and doing something together that you and your sweetie enjoy.

12. Celebrate Your Love Every Day

Remember to celebrate love every day, not just on special occasions.  Express your love, gratitude, and admiration for your partner regularly.  Create an atmosphere of warmth, desire, and appreciation that permeates every aspect of your relationship.  Be kind to one another and always take time out of every day to make your spouse feel wanted, cared for, and special.  Wake up every single morning and choose them in the good, bad, and the ugly and be sure to end every single evening with an “I love you” and never in anger.

13. Be Best Friends

Being best friends with your partner is a cornerstone of creating and sustaining a long term relationship.  Life is about sharing laughter, adventures, and inside jokes.  It’s about having the kind of bond and special closeness that only the two of you can understand.  When we prioritize having fun together, we infuse our relationship with joy and spontaneity, keeping the spark alive even amidst life’s challenging seasons.  Whether it’s exploring new hobbies, taking trips and adventures, or simply enjoying each other’s company on a relaxing Sunday afternoon, having fun together strengthens our connection and reminds us why we fell in love in the first place.  It’s through these shared moments of laughter and playfulness that we deepen our friendship and create memories that last a lifetime.

14. Love Unconditionally

Loving someone wholeheartedly and without conditions may be a pretty difficult thing to do.  After all, it’s the perfect kind of love, the way that God loves us.  So achieving unconditional love might be extremely difficult and we may even make some mistakes along the way, but it’s paramount we try and it can truly be the difference between a relationship that lasts and one that doesn’t.  Once you’ve decided on your partner and that they’re the right one for you, and you’ve fallen deeply in love with them, being all in unconditionally can form an unshakable bond.  Make the choice to love them and fully commit to loving them no matter what they do, what goes on around the two of you, and through every situation that comes up throughout your time together.  Don’t think about how you might be able to love them more if they did more of “this” or less or “that”.  Take them exactly as they are, let them know they’re safe with you, can be completely themselves with you, and choose to love them unendingly with all their unique quirks and flaws.  When there are rough days or months, always try to remember the reasons you first fell in love with them and that any struggle is only temporary.  Your “ride or die” will always be by your side no matter what comes along and be sure your partner can count on you to be there for them the same way as well.  Remember that the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but if you don’t water it over there, it won’t grow either.  So in my opinion, it’s so much better to stick with the lawn that you’ve got, plant some pretty flowers, grow a garden, and watch the beautiful harvest that will unfold for a lifetime.

Building a traditional, long-lasting relationship requires dedication, commitment, and a willingness to journey together through life’s joys and challenges.  By prioritizing mutual respect, effective communication, and a shared commitment for growth, you can create a love that withstands the test of time.  In hindsight, although I made many mistakes as a wife and know that I’m likely to make many more mistakes in the future, it’s only now that I’m able to see that despite my mistakes it never would have worked out in the end.  I simply didn’t have a partner that shared the same core values as I do and many of the things that I’ve shared here were completely non-existent.  I really do believe these factors are the foundations to a long-term relationship and know that it’s possible for me in the future with the right person, just as I believe it can happen for you too.  So here’s to embracing the beauty of tradition and nurturing a love that lasts a lifetime.  I wish a lifetime of happiness to you and your (present or future) sweetheart as well.

With love and commitment,

-LS

My Divorce Is Final Today

by Lindsay | Feb 6, 2024 | Love + Relationships

Hey, friends.

After a marriage lasting only 615 days, my divorce is final today.  At 8:36am, on my way to start the first day of jury duty, the same judge whose court I’m serving in signed our decree and I’m no longer a “Mrs”.  It’s hard to believe it’s over.

I think the most difficult thing for me about divorce is that the person who I’d known so well, who knows me so well, and who I’ve spent every day for over 10 years with is now once again a stranger and will no longer be a part of my life.  Our families will go back to being separate families and all we have now are memories.  It’s a surreal feeling and one that I never thought I’d have to experience.  And it sucks knowing this wasn’t my choice.  This entire situation wasn’t within my control and that’s been hard to accept.  That’s not to say that I think I was a perfect wife and didn’t contribute anything to the breakdown of our relationship, but I don’t think my choice ever would have been to end it.  To me, that’s the opposite of what marriage means.  I felt like if we had made it this far (over a decade together), we could get through anything and that’s the way it was meant to be.  But my husband didn’t agree, so here we are and I’m forced to deal with it and move forward.

Honestly, in hindsight, after grieving over the last year at the loss of what I thought I’d have forever and losing my other half, I guess I’ve realized that this probably is for the best.  I know I’ll be okay and think I’m finally on the road to becoming happy.  What took me a long while to realize was that my husband and I were actually not happy for a long time, even before we officially got married, so I know in the long run we’ll be better off separate.  It just took a while to come to terms with it.  It’s hard to feel like the security of having my permanent partner and having to start all over again alone from the beginning is just going to take some time to process.  I felt like after a decade of waiting for marriage to happen and then for my husband to tell me he wanted to end it because “it just wasn’t working” for him after only having been married for 8 months was just too hard to bear.  But over the year that it took to file for and finalize the divorce, I was able to process and think I’m finally in a good place now.

Growing up, all I ever remember wanting to be is a wife and mother.  My grandparents were married 62 years when my grandma passed away.  They did everything together and were truly each others’ other (and better) half.  Anyone who knows me now knows that 50 years is what I’m hoping for.  I would love nothing more than to be blessed with 50 years of marriage with the love of my life.  However, with now being nearly 40 and having already been through two major heartaches (my daughter’s dad and my ex-husband), I’d have to be married to someone practically tomorrow and live to be almost 90 years old for that to happen.  So I feel like realistically my window on 50 years is quickly waning.  But what I also have to remember is that God’s plan is better than mine.  Being married for 50 years may not be what’s right for me, despite it being what I think I want.

All along I know that God was preparing me for exactly the place I’m in now.  He knows every step, challenge, and success before I ever live it.  So he knew this divorce was coming even before I was born.  At least that’s what I believe.

During the early stages of my separation with my now ex-husband, it was my first time reading the entire Bible completely through in chronological order.  I had read that God hates divorce.  So when my husband told me last February, almost exactly a year ago to the day, that he was ending our marriage and wanted a divorce, I refused to accept it.  I didn’t want to displease God in that way.  I felt so strongly that I had made a commitment, a lifelong commitment, to our marriage and I was determined to fix anything that was wrong and see it through.  I couldn’t let God down and I couldn’t live with the shame of being a failure, especially only 8 months after finally getting married.

It wasn’t until talking to a friend and sharing that I wasn’t ready to accept divorce because God hated it that I was given a new perspective.  My friend is also a believer and someone who had been through divorce personally as well.  They assured me that yes, God does hate divorce, but that I was probably not looking at it in the right context.  God didn’t hate divorce because of the actual act of ending a marriage, which I had a hard time believing since marriages are supposed to be sacred.  He certainly didn’t want me to stay in a marriage that (as I soon found out) was an adulterous one and what God likely meant when the Bible says He hates divorce, as my friend explained to me, was that he hated what it did to me and to any families who had to experience it.  He hates seeing his children in pain and families being ripped apart by the end of a marriage.  He wasn’t going to be angry with me because I was heading toward a divorce.  He knew the pain I was in and He already saw everything I had done to try to save the marriage and put it back together.  He saw what my husband had been doing behind my back.  He knows even more things than just what I had eventually found out and even more than I will probably ever know.  He doesn’t want me to have to suffer through the agony of my husband abandoning me and leaving for another woman, as well as for selfishness and greed.  God hates my divorce because of how devastating it was for me, our children, and both of our families.

I’m so glad I had this friend to put this into perspective for me.  It helped me to see that divorce, although I wish it could have been avoided, wasn’t something I should be ashamed of.  It took me months of crying and struggling just to get out of bed every day to come to terms with the fact that it was happening, but I finally felt at peace because I no longer felt the shame that I was letting God down.  And that’s not to say I wasn’t still extremely sad at the situation, because I was absolutely devastated that what I thought would be “forever” was already over, but at least I could move forward knowing I gave it all I had and that God wasn’t going to be angry at me.  And since my husband moved out of state and refused to file because of how it would make him look at his job, this is when I finally found it within me to file for the divorce.

So here we are, almost exactly one year later from the worst day of my life, and I’m okay.  This definitely isn’t anywhere I thought I’d be, but I know that this is all part of God’s plan and that in the end it will be what’s best for me.  And for my ex-husband too.  Wow, it actually feels weird to say “ex”.  For so long even before he was officially my husband I always thought of him that way.  So now for him to be my official “ex” and just a memory is something I think will take a little getting used to.  But at least now it’s official.

And just to be clear, I think I’m healed (or at least mostly healed) from the heart ache.  It’s not that I want the relationship back or that I’m still grieving that man.  Although I think I’ll always have some love in my heart for him and what we once shared for an entire ⅓ of my life, the life and memories we made and the families we created together, I’m no longer in love with him.  I don’t miss our relationship anymore and I’m finally feeling ready to move on to whatever is coming next.  The thing is that everything I wanted was taken away from me without my consent and without even a warning.  He was my friend, my person, my other half, and the one waiting for me every night when I got home.  I don’t think I miss him per se, but I miss all that he was to me and what we had together.  I miss the comfort and security.  And I hate that he forced me to be alone without my friend, confidant, and the leader of our home.  I’m angry that he had the choice to leave everything behind and start fresh while I’m stuck in the home we shared together with everything he left behind (and I do mean everything – clothes, personal items, tools, cars, etc.).  I’m angry that he decided I was no longer good enough, our home wasn’t good enough, and our pets weren’t good enough, even though he was actually the problem (which I didn’t realize for many, many months and blamed myself for in the meantime).

Again, I’m not perfect and I know I have fault in his unhappiness and in our marriage ending.  However, for him to have said “we tried and it didn’t work” just a couple months in and all while having an affair behind my back is just so ugly.  It seems so unfair and like a slap in the face.  But that’s what I’ve been given so I’m just rolling with it and trying to remember that it’s for a purpose (for my good and God’s glory).  And I know in my heart now that it’s what’s best for both of us and all part of the plan.  I know that he’s happier without me and can live the life he always wanted and that makes me happy for him.  And I’m working on my own happiness as well.  I’m getting his things out of my home, trying to find the joys that make me happy, continuing to heal, and starting to live life again.

I’ve seen a lot of other people have divorce parties and celebrate with friends when their divorces are finalized.  I’m not sure that I feel like celebrating since this doesn’t really feel like any kind of accomplishment, milestone, or victory, but I guess I am glad it’s done.  As much as I wished it didn’t have to have ended this way, once I realized this was actually happening and we weren’t ever going to reconcile, I just wanted to get it over with.

So cheers.  I’m officially divorced.  Now, on to the next chapter.  One that I hope will be much happier and filled with new love, good food, lots of dancing, and never ending joy, even through the hard times.  And on a positive note, I get to have my own last name back!

For anyone else going through something similar, my heart breaks for you.  I didn’t know how bad this actually is until I started going through it myself.  It’s rough.  Just remember that it’s all part of the plan.  It might hurt now, but in the words of someone much wiser than me (AKA my mom), “you can’t start something new until you get rid of the old” .  So try to stay positive, focus on the future, and stay strong, even when it hurts.  You may not think so, but you’ll be better off in the long run.

All my love and support always,

-LS