Should I Let My Ex Back Into My Life?

by Lindsay | Nov 6, 2024 | Relationships

I get it. You’ve moved on. Or at least thought you had, but then out of nowhere, your ex reaches out. Suddenly, you’re faced with that age-old question: should you let them back into your life or not? I know how confusing and emotional this decision can be. And of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all right answer, but there are questions you should definitely ask yourself before making any decisions one way or another and deciding what’s best when an ex wants to come back into your life.

Step One: Reflect on Personal Growth

The first thing to consider is growth—yours AND theirs. Have you grown since the breakup? More importantly, have they? Relationships often end because both people need to work on themselves individually (as well as on the relationship) and it’s essential to know if that work has been done.

• Have you both been actively working on self-growth? If you’re still in the same headspace or struggling with the same issues that caused your breakup, you’re likely very to repeat the same patterns and fall back into the same insecurities, mistrust, or disrespect that ended the relationship to begin with.
• How have you changed since the breakup? Think about the ways you’ve grown. Are you more confident, more self-aware, working on mindfulness to ease anxiety? Is this the version of you that your ex will appreciate or have you outgrown the style of relationship you had with them?

If you or your ex haven’t made significant personal strides, it may be worth pausing to give yourselves more time to reflect on both of yourselves and what went wrong in the relationship. When you both have this insight personally and as a couple, it will lead to the start of repairing what needs it for you as individuals and as optimal partners. Make sure you gauge where your partner is as well before making any decisions. These can be tough conversations to initiate, but very important. You can ask things like, “have you talked to anyone [a professional] since our breakup?” or “what self reflection or growth books have you read since we broke up?”. This isn’t to say you should expect them to be “all better” and healed at this point (same with yourself), but just that they’re intentionally working on becoming self aware and interested in making improvements both as an individual human for themselves and as a caring partner for you.

Step Two: Consider the Time Factor

Time can be a healer or a temporary distraction. How much time has passed since your breakup? A few weeks, months, years?

• Was the breakup fresh or a long time ago? If it was recent, emotions might still be raw and it’s easy to fall back into old habits. On the other hand, if enough time has passed, you might both have gained clarity.
• Were there unresolved feelings? Sometimes exes reach out because they miss the comfort, not because they genuinely want a fresh start with that person. Make sure time hasn’t blurred the reasons for the breakup.

On a side note, it might also be worth considering how long it’s been since they last broke up with someone else, if they dated someone after you. They could be lonely if they’ve recently just had their heart broken and looking for comfort in you. Their pain might be clouding their judgement or they could just be looking for a rebound with someone familiar. This of course isn’t to say you’re not valuable to them, but just that they might not be really be thinking about your best interests and only looking for a temporary fix to their situation and hurt from someone they know cares about them.

Step Three: Revisit the Reasons You Broke Up

This is one of the most important steps. Rewind to why you broke up in the first place. Were trust and betrayal factors or was it more a matter of timing or distance?

• Are the same issues still there? If the problems that drove you apart, such as trust issues or lack of communication, are still present, it’s likely the relationship will hit the same roadblocks, especially if these circumstances were the cause of extreme hurt and feelings of betrayal. Again, evaluating if there has been any work done in these areas will be vital in this scenario.
• Has the difficult situation changed? Maybe it was bad timing or life circumstances that got in the way. If those external factors have shifted, you might both be in a better position to try again with greater success.

Be honest with yourself here. Are these issues truly resolved or are you hoping they’ll magically disappear? You really have to look at the situations for what they are and not just what you want or hope to see. Don’t ignore the red warning flags, but also be open to seeing the green flags if there’s a possibility they might now be there. If you’re not sure, maybe a little more time apart might be needed for further clarity before jumping back into any commitments.

Step Four: Weigh the New Circumstances

Life doesn’t stand still and new circumstances bring new challenges. Since your breakup, a lot may have changed for either one or both of you.

• Have you or they gone through a divorce or do you have children now? These new realities add layers of complexity. If either of you now have kids, you’ll need to consider how rekindling the relationship could impact them and whether either of you have logistically have the time to prioritize working on the relationship given their other life priorities and responsibilities. Kids will ultimately always come first, so consider if your relationship could still thrive given the addition(s) in conjunction with the work it might take in order to be successful and fulfilling this time around.
• Are there new commitments or challenges? Maybe one of you moved for a job or has taken on greater responsibilities at work that would affect a potential relationship. Again, if time and/or distance were factors before, what would that look like now with the new commitments and what are each of your expectations now given the new circumstances?

Ask yourself whether your lives are compatible now in ways they weren’t before. Really evaluate and be open with one another (and yoursel) if your current lives are conducive to restablishing the relationship at this time.

Step Five: Get Real About Trust, Boundaries, and Respect

Trust is a non-negotiable foundation of any relationship. If your breakup involved broken trust, betrayal, or boundary issues, you need to be honest about whether those wounds have healed and if the behaviors that lead to the pain still exist.

• Can trust be rebuilt? If your ex hurt you deeply, rebuilding trust is going to take time and effort and it’s okay to question whether it’s worth the emotional investment.
• Are you able to establish healthy boundaries? Both of you should be clear on what you’re willing to accept this time around. If boundaries were a struggle before, now is the time to establish them. You need to really think about what’s important, use your voice, and stand your ground and walk away if needed knowing you’re doing what’s best for you should your partner not be able or willing to respect your boundaries. It’s not about asking anyone to change their lifestyle or habits, but just letting it be known what your needs and non-negotiables are and allowing each other to see whether or not you can meet those needs for each other. Communication, openness, and acceptance from both sides is crucial.

You both need to be willing to be patient, realizing that it’s a process and might take some time to get it right. If the effort and willingness are there, there is always hope. But if your partner isn’t willing to be forgiving when you have a day that you’re struggling more with trust and need a little extra reassurance, and have grace with the path it would take to succeed to rebuild trust, that’s definitely something to consider before making your decision. A compassionate and understanding partner is paramount in any relationship, but especially when there’s a situation as fragile as rebuilding broken trust.

Step Six: Think About Family and Friends

We sometimes overlook the fact that breakups don’t just affect the two people involved. They can also have a big impact on everyone around them. The longer time you and your ex were together, the more likely love grew for the family and friends in both of your lives. Consider how your breakup involved and affected those closest to you.

• How do your family and friends feel? Did things get ugly during the breakup or was it amicable? If the people who care about you were hurt or worried, it’s worth considering their perspective and how your rekindling the relationship might affect them.
• Have they forgiven your ex or moved on? While this doesn’t mean you should let others dictate your choices in partners or the status of your relationship, the opinions of those who know and love you most can be valuable and offer you insight that you might be too close to the situation to see yourself.

At the end of the day, the life you build with your partner is private and nobody else’s business or decision. I would never tell you to base your most important decisions on opinions of others, no matter who they are in your life (children excluded). However, your mate and your family/friends are all going to be in your life simultaneously so you want to make sure the relationship is supported and everyone will be comfortable around the holiday dinner table or if the time comes to give away the bride, or at least be able to “fake” it amicably. Most of the people in your life, I’m sure, just want to see you happy which is where their protective nature typically comes from. So if you’re happy with your decisions, it’s likely they will be too and happy to support you.

Step Seven: Ask Yourself If It’s Worth It

In the end, this decision comes down to whether letting your ex back in feels like it could lead to something positive or whether it’s a path you’ve already been down and it’s time to keep walking.

• Could this be a new chapter? If both of you have grown, resolved past issues, and are ready to approach things with fresh eyes, maybe this is a chance to start anew.
• Or is it time to run away (again)? If you feel a sinking sense of dread at the thought of returning to old patterns, it might be time to remember why you walked away in the first place. Also think about how you feel about them in general now or when you’re with them. Do you feel the same attraction or spark that you once did or do they give you an icky feeling now?

Think about the overall feeling you had with them and how things ended. Now that you have a little perspective, are you sad, relieved, or indifferent that the relationship ended? Consider what you had to go through to heal and start moving forward after the breakup, and if you would want to (or be able to) do that all over should the relationship not work out once again.

Step Eight: Be Clear on What You Both Want This Time Around in the Beginning

Before jumping back in fully to where you left off, it’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page about the type of relationship you’re looking for and how quickly you want things to move. Since you’ve already had a committed relationship in the past, there may be a temptation to quickly pick up where you left off and get serious right away. But sometimes, it can be worth it to approach things slowly, as if you’re truly starting from scratch with someone new. After all, if you’ve both done the work and put in effort to grown and learn about yourselves and the relationship, it sort of is like you are new people and might be worthwhile to treat the relationship as such.

• Take it slow, like you’re dating again. Try going out a few times without the pressure of commitment, allowing yourselves to see each other with fresh eyes. By starting from a more casual place, you might discover new aspects of each other that you may have missed before. Maybe keep dates light and fun without super heavy conversations at first to see if what initially attracted you before is still there before you get into fine tuning all the important details.
• Hold off on exclusivity and physical intimacy (at least for now). Rather than diving into the “official” labels right away and get too involved physically, give yourselves a chance to see how things are now without feeling pressured to make any permanent decisions or your feelings and emotions being influenced. This time, it’s about finding out if who you each are NOW aligns with where you both want to go.

Taking things slow gives both of you the freedom to rediscover each other naturally without expectations or pressure. It’s a chance to build something new from a familiar foundation with someone you most likely care deeply about, but with the space to decide if this is truly what you both want moving forward. Once you decide if everything seems aligned and that you want to move forward, start having those important conversations and addressing any issues so you can move into exclusivity and commitment again knowing that you enjoy each other, have done the work to make it work, and are ready to give it your full effort for success and happiness.

Final Thoughts: Trust Yourself

Whatever decision you make, trust yourself. You know your ex, your heart, your desires, and your life better than anyone else. Whether you choose to let them back in or decide to close that chapter for good, know that your well-being and goals for your life come first.

Sometimes, people do grow and change, and giving them another chance can lead to something beautiful. Sometimes the best relationships actually stem from a rocky beginning and the unconditional love and commitment that can only be formed by going through the worst and most difficult times together. Other times, it’s best to honor the lessons you learned and keep moving forward until you find someone more suited to your wants and needs in a partner. When going through my divorce, one of the best pieces of advice and reassurance I was given was “sometimes you can’t start a new chapter until you end the previous one”. So even though we have a comfort and familiarity with our ex, sometimes old habits won’t open new doors and it’s best to really be sure things have changed before jumping back in. But whatever you choose, do it for you, not out of loneliness (yours or theirs!), fear, or pressure. You deserve peace, happiness, and love that uplifts you.

Much love and wishing you a happily ever after (no matter what that looks like),

-LS

What to Do After a Breakup to Heal and Move Forward

by Lindsay | Aug 14, 2024 | Relationships

Breaking up is never easy. Whether you’re the one who ended the relationship or the one who was left, the emotional aftermath can be overwhelming. Having recently gone through a breakup myself, I understand just how difficult it can be, especially when there’s no clear reason or fight behind it. It’s one thing to end things amid anger or betrayal, but it’s another to part ways simply because life has taken you in different directions.

In my case, we both realized that we were at different places in our lives. We had to be brave enough to stand up for our own desires, acknowledging that the timing just wasn’t right for us. Despite the care we still have for each other, we decided it was best to part ways due to conflicts we couldn’t resolve. The care I have for him remains, and I cherish the time we shared, holding onto a hope that maybe one day the timing might be right. But for now, the best thing to do is to focus on healing and moving forward.

No matter what prompted the breakup, the pain and grief of losing what you thought you’d have with someone you love can be devastating. It’s a universal experience, one that many of us go through at some point. With that in mind, I want to share some things that have helped me during this difficult time. My hope is that they might offer you some comfort and guidance as well. Healing is a journey, unique for everyone, but it’s crucial to take care of yourself every step of the way.

Take Care of Yourself First and Foremost

• Prioritize Self-Care: Make sure you are eating, drinking plenty of water, sleeping well, and maintaining your hygiene. It’s easy to neglect these basics when you’re feeling down and all you want to do is cry in bed while watching The Notebook (true story), but it’s crucial for your well-being that you practice at least the bare necessities to maintain your health.  
• Stay Active: Exercise is a great way to boost your mood and get those endorphins flowing. Whether it’s a walk in the park, a yoga session, or hitting the gym, staying active can help you feel better physically and emotionally. Try to get your body moving for at least a short while every day until you can get back to your regular workout schedule.  
• Do Things You Enjoy: Engage in activities that make you happy. Paint your nails, style your hair, watch your favorite movies, or read a good book. These small acts can provide a sense of normalcy and joy. Although it’s crucial to experience and feel all the stages of your emotions throughout the breakup and healing period, sometimes distractions can help get your mind off things for a little while and aid the grieving process.  

Taking care of yourself is essential during this time. Prioritizing self-care, staying active, and doing things you enjoy are crucial steps in maintaining your physical and emotional well-being. Remember, these small acts of kindness towards yourself are not just about healing but also about reaffirming your worth and strength. By focusing on these basics, you create a foundation of self-love and resilience that will support you through the healing process.

Don’t Obsess

• Avoid Overthinking: Once the decision to break up is made, try not to overanalyze every detail. Overthinking and playing “what if” scenarios can keep you stuck in the past. Remember the reasons why the breakup happened and the feelings that led to it. Don’t dwell on what you could have done differently. The decision to break up isn’t easy and likely involved a lot of thought.  
• Don’t Second Guess: Trust that you made the right choice for yourself. Were you a priority? Were your needs met? Was there healthy communication? Did your short and long term goals align?  Reflect on these questions and if any of these areas were lacking, it’s probably best that you made the decision you did. Focus now on moving forward.  
• Let Go: If he was the one to break up with you, let him go.  It’s important to feel the pain so you can heal, but also to respect his decision and let him move on. You can’t change his mind or desires, so don’t waste energy on those thoughts. Let him move on, and give yourself the time to heal, and move on when you’re ready.

Avoiding the trap of overthinking and second-guessing is crucial for your emotional recovery. Obsessing over the past only keeps you stuck and prevents you from moving forward. Trust the decision that was made and focus on letting go. By resisting the urge to analyze every detail, you give yourself the freedom to heal and grow. Remember, what’s meant to be will be, and it’s important to allow both yourself and your ex the space to move on.

Stay Positive and Hopeful

• Keep Hope Alive: Just because this relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean you won’t find love again. Starting over can be daunting, especially if you’ve already done it before and the older we get, but believe that the right person is still out there for you. As they always say, you’ll probably meet him when you least expect it. Stay positive and focus on yourself in the meantime.  
• You’re Never Too Old: Age is just a number. It’s never too late to find happiness and love again. New beginnings can bring about hope and beauty, offering fresh opportunities for joy and connection.
• Surround Yourself with Joy: Spend time with supportive and positive people who uplift you. Their encouragement can help you maintain a hopeful outlook and remind you of your worth. Not getting too down on yourself and being around others who care about you is crucial during this time as well.

Staying positive and hopeful after a breakup is essential for your future happiness. Keep hope alive and remember that this breakup doesn’t define your future relationships. Starting over can be intimidating, but it’s never too late to find love and happiness again. Embrace the belief that the right person is out there for you, and use this time to focus on personal growth and new opportunities. Maintaining a hopeful outlook will guide you toward a brighter and more fulfilling future.

Don’t Let Loneliness Take Over

Feeling lonely after a breakup is natural, especially if you were used to looking forward to someone’s call, date nights, or quality time together at home. Without roommates or kids in the house, the silence can be overwhelming, but there are healthy ways to distract yourself and keep loneliness at bay.

• Pets Are Great Companions: If you have a pet, spend quality time with them. Go for a walk, make a funny TikTok video, play fetch, or give them a bath. Their unconditional love and companionship can be incredibly comforting, and they’ll appreciate the extra time and attention.  
• Reach Out to Friends: Connect with friends and plan social activities. Whether it’s a coffee date, a movie night, or just a phone call, spending time with others can alleviate feelings of loneliness.  
• Engage in New Activities and Hobbies: Take this time to explore new interests or rekindle old ones. Join a class, start a new hobby, or volunteer. These activities can fill your time and introduce you to new people.  
• Enjoy Your Alone Time: It can be sad not having something to look forward to, like the next date or time you’d see each other, but this won’t last forever. Use this downtime to enjoy your own company and rediscover yourself. Read, meditate, cook a new recipe, or take up a solo project. View being alone as a positive opportunity to cherish your own company.  
• Focus on the Future: The feeling of loneliness is temporary. You’ll have things to look forward to again, and this period of alone time can be a chance to grow and prepare for new opportunities and relationships. Reflect on what you want for yourself and your relationships in the future, so you’ll know what you want with Mr. Right when you meet him.  

It’s easy to feel sad and down when you’re alone, but try to distract yourself in healthy ways. Pets, friends, and new activities can help fill the void, and before you know it, you’ll have things to look forward to again. Use this time to focus on yourself and embrace the possibilities that lie ahead, whether you’re single or in a relationship again one day. Embrace whatever season you’re in and be grateful for all you have along the way.

Embrace the Journey

Healing after a breakup is a journey, one that requires patience, self-compassion, and a positive outlook. By taking care of yourself, resisting the urge to overthink, staying hopeful, and not letting loneliness take over, you pave the way for personal growth and new beginnings.

Additional Tips:

• Surround Yourself with Support: Lean on your friends and family. They can offer a listening ear, comforting words, and a reminder that you’re not alone.  
• Set New Goals: Focus on personal growth and set new goals for yourself. Whether it’s learning a new skill, taking up a hobby, or pursuing a career goal, redirecting your energy can be empowering.  
• Limit Contact: It can be tempting to reach out to your ex, but it’s often better to have some distance. Give yourself time and space to heal without reopening old wounds.  
• Seek Professional Help: If you’re finding it hard to cope, consider talking to a therapist. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate your emotions.  
• Embrace New Opportunities: A breakup can be a chance for a fresh start. Embrace new opportunities and experiences that come your way.  

To put it bluntly, breaking up sucks and it’s okay to be sad for a while. But remember to take care of yourself, stay active, and do things that make you happy. Avoid obsessing over the past, let go, and keep hope alive for the future. Surround yourself with support, set new goals, and embrace the opportunities that come your way. Healing takes time, but you will get through this and come out stronger on the other side.

Life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it. Every step you take towards healing brings you closer to a brighter and more fulfilling future. Embrace the possibilities, cherish the support around you, and trust in your resilience. What’s meant to be will unfold, and you have the strength to move forward with hope and optimism.

As always, I’m right here with you and you have all my love and support,

-LS

Balancing Love and Ambition: Having a Long-Distance Relationship with a Busy Partner

by Lindsay | Aug 7, 2024 | Relationships

The Challenges

Being in a relationship always demands effort to foster happiness and success, but when you add the complexities of long distance and a partner with a demanding career, it can feel like an uphill battle. I’m navigating this very experience with someone who is deeply passionate about his job, which often means travel and long hours that leave us with precious little time to connect. As someone whose love language is quality time, this has been especially challenging for me, particularly since I live alone and don’t have much family nearby. There are days when we barely get a chance to talk, and when we do, it’s often through hurried texts rather than deep meaningful conversations.

This is a new frontier for me as the longest distance I’ve previously managed was just a short 30 minute drive away. I find myself missing him terribly more often than not and longing for a more regular “normal” relationship where we can share more of our everyday lives together.

Recently, I had a heart-to-heart with a friend who has just moved in with her partner after a long-distance relationship of 6+ years. Her experience was both encouraging and validating. It was reassuring to hear someone acknowledge how hard it is, even if there’s no quick fix for our situation. Her words reminded me that while this phase is tough, it’s a temporary challenge with a potentially beautiful outcome.

One crucial piece of advice she shared was the importance of communication. For her, maintaining consistent and intentional communication was a make-or-break factor in their relationship. This resonated deeply with me and I’m focusing on ensuring that we communicate effectively and frequently. It’s essential to remember that we’re on the same team, working together to overcome the difficulties of distance and busy schedules.

I know this season is going to be challenging, but it’s comforting to have a shared goal in sight. We have plans in place and are working toward them, which motivates me to push through the days when I feel alone and miss him dearly. As my friend wisely pointed out, staying committed, working as a team, and keeping the lines of communication open will make this journey worthwhile.

In the meantime, here are some strategies we’re using to keep our relationship strong until we can finally enjoy the daily life together that we both dream of.

Striking a Balance

The key to making any long distance relationship with a demanding work schedule successful lies in finding a balance that allows both partners to feel fulfilled.

1.  Communication is Crucial: While I may have emphasized this before, it’s worth repeating, trust me. Even if your schedules don’t align perfectly, prioritizing communication is essential. Whether it’s a brief text during a work break or a video call when a visit isn’t possible, maintaining a connection despite physical distance is key to sustaining your relationship.  

2.  Set Realistic Expectations: Recognize that his career will occasionally demand more of his time. Instead of feeling neglected, remind yourself of his dedication and goals. Understanding this will help manage your expectations and alleviate frustration. His passion for his work should add joy to his life, not detract from your relationship. As his partner, support him through his busy periods while also ensuring he acknowledges and validates your feelings. Grace and mutual support are crucial during these times, as they will one day become just a memory.  

3.  Quality Over Quantity: When you do have time together, make it count. Plan activities that foster deep connection and focus on the moments you have together. Even if it’s simply enjoying each other’s company in silence, prioritize these moments. While family and friends are important, maintaining a strong bond as a couple is essential. Building non-physical intimacy—like shared interests or inside jokes—can help bridge the gap during periods when you’re apart.  

4.  Be Involved in Daily Routines: Stay connected by involving each other in your daily lives. Ask about each other’s day, remember small details like a doctor’s appointment, or watch a show “together” and discuss it afterward. These small interactions help you feel more integrated into each other’s lives. Establishing traditions, such as visiting a favorite restaurant during in-person visits or waiting to watch a new movie together, can also strengthen your bond.  

5.  Support Each Other’s Goals: Just as you support his career, he should equally support your aspirations and the goals you put in place for your relationship. This mutual support reinforces the bond between you and demonstrates that both partners are invested in and committed to the relationship. Prioritizing each other’s individual needs alongside your shared goals strengthens your connection and paves the way for the beautiful “in person” relationship you’ll have in the future.  

6.  Have a Long-Term Plan: Discuss your future together and ensure you’re aligned on timelines and goals. Having a shared vision for the future provides comfort and motivation during challenging times. Regularly review and adjust your plans as needed, addressing any changes or new challenges together. Flexibility is important, but consistent communication and reassessment prevent confusion and help maintain a sense of unity and progress.  

What’s Too Much to Ask?

Navigating a long-distance relationship while managing demanding careers requires finding a balance between respecting each other’s professional commitments and feeling valued in the relationship. While it’s reasonable to seek daily communication and regular visits, it’s essential to recognize that expecting your partner to frequently abandon work responsibilities may not be practical. The key is to strike a compromise where both partners’ needs are acknowledged and addressed.

Open and honest communication about each other’s expectations and needs is crucial. Discuss what you both realistically require to feel connected and valued, and then work together to make those needs manageable. Trust and patience are vital, as the pace of your relationship may not align with traditional expectations of “normal” close proximity relationships due to the physical distance and busy schedules.

Of course neither of you will expect the other to sacrifice your career goals or relocate immediately. Instead, focus on making the most of your time together and ensuring that the relationship remains fulfilling and supportive until it’s time to make those bigger and longer-term moves. If both partners are committed to making it work and see value in the relationship, continual dialogue about needs and boundaries will help maintain balance and mutual satisfaction as you navigate this challenging period together. Be sure you’re on the same page about what you want in the future and how quickly (realistically) it can be achieved so you’re both understanding of each other’s desires and feel a part of each other’s lives despite the distance and career commitments.

Priorities

In a long-distance relationship, balancing priorities is crucial. (as well as with any child or family responsibilities as well).  In a long-distance relationship, balancing priorities is crucial. While career ambitions, family and other personal responsibilities are important, your relationship should be considered a top priority as well. This doesn’t mean that either of you should neglect your job or your relationship and that either should take a back seat to the other, but it’s about integrating your lives in a way that respects and nurtures both aspects in a positive and healthy way that is all-inclusive.

For instance, finding ways for him to adjust his work or travel schedule to create more opportunities for a connection can make a significant difference. Maybe during a flight out of town he can plan his layover close to you so you can have a dinner together before a long stretch of time apart.  So yes, this might involve him occasionally rearranging work commitments, but it’s also about you adapting your own plans to better align with his availability as well. The goal is to ensure that both partners are actively involved in making the relationship work despite the distance and both are putting in the necessary effort, compromise, sacrifice, and teamwork that are essential for success. Both partners need to contribute to maintaining the relationship, which involves making sacrifices and being flexible. Open communication about your needs and goals, both individually and as a couple, is key to navigating this phase successfully.

Remember to keep the future in focus. This challenging period is temporary and serves as a stepping stone towards building a more fulfilling and stable relationship. By prioritizing each other and working together, you can overcome the hurdles of distance and time, paving the way for a stronger connection and mutual happiness in the long run. Think about how amazing your relationship will be once you’ve built this incredible foundation and how much more you’ll appreciate the little things together like having dinner any night of the week or giving each other a hug or kiss any time you feel like it.

Final Thoughts

Navigating a long-distance relationship with a busy partner is challenging, but not impossible. It requires patience, understanding, and a lot of communication. By setting realistic expectations and finding ways to maintain a connection, you can create a fulfilling relationship that supports both of your aspirations.

Remember, every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. The key is to find what works best for you and your partner, and to keep working towards a future where both of your dreams can coexist.

Navigating a long-distance relationship with a busy partner is undoubtedly challenging, but it is far from impossible. It demands a considerable amount of patience, understanding, and proactive communication. By setting realistic expectations and finding innovative ways to stay connected, you can cultivate a relationship that not only supports but enhances both of your personal and professional aspirations.

Understanding that every relationship is unique is crucial. What works seamlessly for one couple might not be suitable for another, so it’s important to tailor your approach to fit your specific circumstances. The key is to experiment with different strategies and continuously evaluate what fosters a strong and supportive connection between you. This might involve creative scheduling, new communication methods, or finding meaningful ways to celebrate your time together. And COMMUNICATING every step along the way.

Ultimately, the goal is to build a relationship that enriches both your lives while allowing each partner to pursue their individual dreams. Keep in mind that this phase is a temporary but significant step toward a future where your shared goals and personal ambitions harmoniously coexist. By maintaining open dialogue, being flexible, and committing to each other’s well-being, you can navigate the distance and demanding schedules, emerging stronger and more connected in the process. Once you’re together every day and finally settle into the relationship you both dream of and are working so hard to build, you’ll be unstoppable and inseparable.

Keep working hard toward your happy ending. It’s coming so don’t give up even when it seems like there’s too much distance and not enough time. You’ll make it through!

As always, my love and support to you!

-LS

Dating vs. Being in a Relationship

by Lindsay | Jul 24, 2024 | Relationships

Navigating dating and entering into new relationships can be both thrilling and challenging, especially for women in their 30s who often have a clearer sense of what they want from a partner. From my perspective, especially after a divorce or long-term relationship breakup, there’s a significant difference between dating someone and being in a committed relationship with them. While both stages can be fulfilling and exciting, they each come with their own sets of expectations and dynamics. Knowing what you want, what your partner wants, and making sure you’re connecting with the right people at the right time is key to your own happiness and starting the relationship of your dreams.

Dating: The Exploration Phase

Dating is often seen as the exploratory phase where you’re getting to know someone without the weight of serious commitment. It’s a time for discovering mutual interests, values, and chemistry. Here’s how I see dating:  

• Casual and Fun: Dating should be enjoyable and light-hearted. It’s about sharing experiences and learning about each other without the pressure of long-term plans.
• Flexibility: In the dating phase, there’s more room for spontaneity and less need for rigid planning. It’s a period to see if you’re compatible without feeling tied down.
• Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is crucial. Both parties should communicate their expectations and understand that the relationship may not progress beyond casual dating if they’re not on the same page.
• Exploring Interests: This phase allows you to explore shared and individual interests. It’s a time to engage in activities together, see new places, and create fun memories without the stress of future planning. Trying new things with someone of interest can be exhilarating.
• Personal Growth: Dating can be a period of self-discovery. You learn more about your own preferences, deal breakers, and what you truly seek in a partner. This could help allow you to grow beyond dating or at very least know what you prefer in future partners if this shouldn’t work out.
• Low Stakes: There’s less pressure to impress or conform to long-term expectations. It’s about being completely yourself and seeing if you naturally align with the other person.
• Socializing: Dating often involves social activities, group outings, or casual meetups. It’s a chance to see how you both interact in different social settings.
• Communication Practice: Effective communication is key in any relationship and dating provides an opportunity to practice this skill. It’s a chance to openly discuss likes, dislikes, and future aspirations. Make sure you both see a similar future for yourselves before committing to anything further.
• Evaluating Compatibility: This phase is crucial for assessing compatibility in terms of lifestyle, values, and future goals. It’s a period to identify potential red flags without the pressure of commitment or being too invested to break it off.
• Enjoying the Present: Focusing on the present moment and enjoying each other’s company without the anxiety of wondering what’s next.
• Freedom: Both individuals maintain a degree of personal freedom and independence. It’s a time to balance personal space with shared experiences.
• Learning About Each Other: Every date is an opportunity to learn more about the other person’s background, experiences, and worldview. This knowledge helps in understanding each other better and come to realize whether you’ll be compatible long-term partners.

A Committed Relationship: Intentional and Future-Oriented

Once a relationship is established, it signifies a shift towards a more intentional and committed partnership. This phase involves deeper emotional investment and often includes discussions about the future. Here’s what I believe sets a committed relationship apart from casual dating:

• Intention and Commitment: A committed relationship implies that both partners are invested in building a future together. This could involve cohabitating, planning for marriage, or even starting a family. This is the time to start combining two separate lives into one. 
• Higher Expectations: With commitment comes higher expectations. There’s an understanding that both partners will support each other through life’s challenges and work towards common goals.
• Communication: Open and honest communication becomes even more critical. Discussing your future, setting boundaries, respecting each others’ needs, and ensuring that both partners are aligned in their goals and values is essential.
• Deeper Connection: A committed relationship fosters a deeper emotional connection. There’s a sense of security and stability that comes from knowing your partner is equally invested in the relationship’s longevity.
• Shared Responsibilities: In a committed relationship, there’s a greater emphasis on sharing responsibilities, whether it’s household chores, financial planning, or emotional support. It’s about working together as a team.
• Mutual Support: Partners in a relationship are there to support each other’s personal and professional growth. There’s a commitment to being each other’s biggest cheerleader and confidant. Couples should find comfort and peace in their partner.
• Conflict Resolution: In a committed relationship, resolving conflicts becomes a priority. There’s an understanding that disagreements are a part of any relationship, but that finding healthy ways to resolve them is crucial for long-term happiness.
• Trust and Loyalty: Trust and loyalty are the foundation of a committed relationship. Both partners are dedicated to being faithful and honest, which helps build a strong and resilient bond. Being committed means being mutually exclusive and no longer dating anyone else for the entirety of the relationship (which the goal is hopefully to be forever).
• Long-Term Planning: This phase often involves planning for the future together, such as buying a home, saving for retirement, or discussing future family plans. It’s about aligning your visions for the future, the timelines for these visions, and working towards them together. Of course life will happen and plans will have to evolve as time goes on, but ensuring that communication is established ahead of time means each new challenge can be met with a discussion and pivot together.
• Emotional Investment: There’s a deeper emotional investment in a committed relationship. Both partners are more vulnerable with each other, sharing their fears, dreams, and insecurities, which strengthens their connection.
• Routine and Stability: Committed relationships often bring a sense of routine and stability. There’s comfort in knowing that your partner is a constant presence in your life, providing a stable and secure foundation. There should be a desire to include each other in daily activities such as cooking or eating a meal together, watching a TV show, and having regular date nights.
• Shared Values and Goals: A committed relationship is built on shared values and goals. Both partners strive to understand and support each other’s aspirations, ensuring they are moving in the same direction together, while also helping to nurture each others’ individuality.
• Intimacy and Bonding: Physical and emotional intimacy should deepen in a committed relationship. There’s a greater focus on creating a strong bond through shared experiences, deep and meaningful conversations, affection, and understanding. You should be experiencing intimacy to a level at this point that’s only shared exclusively between the two of you and it should help to deepen the bond that you have together, whether through physical or non-physical acts.
• Adaptability and Growth: As individuals and as a couple, there’s a continuous process of growth and adaptation. Committed partners are willing to grow together, adapting to life’s changes while maintaining their bond.
• Unwavering Support: In a committed relationship, there’s an unwavering support system. Partners stand by each other through thick and thin, celebrating successes and providing comfort during tough times.

My Perspective on Expectations and Communication

As a woman, I find that my expectations evolve as the relationship moves from casual dating to a committed partnership. In the dating phase, I look for compatibility and shared interests, while experiencing fun and social dates together to get to know one another. Once we transition into a relationship, I expect more in terms of emotional support, commitment, shared responsibilities, exclusivity, and long-term planning.

However, regardless of the stage, the most crucial element is communication. Both partners must be willing to discuss their desires, boundaries, goals, and needs openly. This includes planning together and being flexible as life happens and situations change. Whether you’re casually dating or in a committed relationship, being on the same page ensures that both parties are satisfied and working towards a harmonious partnership.

In conclusion, the difference between dating and being in a relationship lies in the level of commitment and intention. Dating allows for exploration and fun, while a committed relationship focuses on building a combined future and life together. The key to navigating both phases successfully is open communication and mutual understanding, ensuring that both partners are aligned in their expectations and goals.

Remember, every relationship is unique and evolves at its own pace. Embrace the journey, cherish the moments, and always prioritize honest communication. It’s better to establish your needs and that a dating relationship is going to work out long term before committing to something either of you aren’t ready for or happy about. Your path to a fulfilling and loving partnership is built on mutual respect, understanding, and shared dreams.

As always, with love and luck (whether dating or relating, haha)

-LS

Trust and Boundaries in a New Relationship After Betrayal

by Lindsay | Jul 10, 2024 | Relationships

Entering a new relationship after experiencing hurt, betrayal, and divorce can be daunting. The emotional scars from a previous toxic relationship can cloud your judgment and make it challenging to establish healthy boundaries that lead you to trust your new significant other. I know that for me, the desire to move on is there, but I also fear that maybe I’m not ready to trust again or that I might mess up something potentially great with an amazing man if I’m not fully healed.  I don’t want to project old wounds onto a new partner or end up hurting them and pushing them away because I just can’t get past what someone else has done to betray my trust. I’ve really been doing a lot of self reflecting, researching, and trial and error to figure out the best way to move forward to find peace and happiness in new relationships. If you’re also struggling with a new relationship or thinking about getting back into dating after a heartbreak (or multiple, like me!), here are some ways you can approach this delicate process to grow your next healthy and happy relationship.

1. Understand Your Healthy Boundaries

Recognize Your Needs: The first step in establishing boundaries with your partner is to first recognize them yourself. Take time to reflect on what you need from a relationship to feel secure and respected. This involves understanding what behaviors are unacceptable to you, what makes you feel valued, and what a healthy and balanced relationship looks like to you. If you’ve been hurt in the past by a particular experience, really dive into that experience and analyze what it would take for you not to feel that way again in the future.

Establish Clear Boundaries: Once you have a grasp on your needs, communicate them clearly to your partner. Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially when there is a particular hurt from a past trauma. Every relationship is different and maybe a new partner won’t trigger a wound left by a previous partner who has hurt you.  However, having these boundaries ahead of time and discussing them openly helps to define what’s acceptable behavior and what is not for both partners. For example, you might need boundaries around social media interactions, time spent with people of the opposite sex, or how much personal and together time you each need.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries

Be Honest and Direct: When discussing your boundaries, be honest about your past experiences and how they have shaped your current needs. A genuine partner will appreciate your transparency and be willing to listen.

Use “I” Statements: Explain your boundaries and feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when…” instead of “You make me feel…”, especially since your new partner might not have yet crossed any of these boundaries.  It’s definitely best to have these discussions ahead of time prior to any conflict, but then also reassess and converse again if anything upsetting or uncomfortable comes up (because that’s part of life and will inevitably happen through time in any relationship).

Be Open to Dialogue: Healthy communication is a two-way street. Be open to hearing your partner’s feedback regarding your boundaries, as well as listening to their boundaries and concerns as well. This mutual understanding is crucial for building a strong foundation and making you both feel like you’re part of a team.  It will help build trust and give you both an opportunity to be reassuring. Knowing someone’s past hurts and insecurities can be helpful in making sure you’re sensitive to them and help you to both cast out any doubts that either of you might have.

Continue to Evolve When Needed: If you’re already on the same page with your partner in all of the areas that are important to you both, great! If not, keep the lines of communication open and prioritize discussions that will lead you to a resolution together. Additionally, sometimes you won’t even know you have a trigger and need a boundary put in place until a situation arises. Be sure you’re both open to pivot when needed and again, always keep the communication flowing. Nothing kills a relationship faster than tension and resentment of undiscussed and unresolved issues.

3. Build Trust

Take It Slow: Trust is built over time through consistent and reliable actions. Don’t rush the process. Allow your partner to show their trustworthiness gradually and be sure you’re doing the same for them. Don’t accuse or “punish” them in the meantime until the trust is fully there. If I haven’t said it enough already, simply COMMUNICATE your concerns as they arise so you can continue on the path of complete and total trust. Remember that you’re both on the same team and tackle problems together because you care about and respect each other.

Observe Actions, Not Just Words: Pay attention to your partner’s actions. Do they follow through on their promises? Are they respectful of your boundaries? Actions often speak louder than words and it’s paramount for the direction of your relationship that you don’t ignore red AND green flags in your new partner’s actions.

Address Concerns Early: If something your partner does makes you uncomfortable, address it early on. Don’t let issues fester. A good partner will be willing to make communication a priority and willing to discuss adjustments to their behavior. Then, wait for the action and let them show you they heard and value you and your needs.

4. Work Through Past Traumas

Acknowledge Your Triggers: Self-reflection should be continual to be aware of the things that trigger negative emotions based on your past experiences. This self-awareness will help you differentiate between genuine red flags and old wounds to help you not potentially project them on your new partner. Yes, you need a supportive partner who is genuinely invested in you and helping you to feel confident in your relationship with them, but you need to be sure you’re doing your part and putting in the effort as well.

Be Slow to Anger: Give yourself space to process your reactions. Sometimes, your initial response may not reflect your true feelings. Take a step back, reflect on why you felt triggered, and assess if it’s a boundary that needs to be discussed or something you may just need to work through internally. I know that at least for myself, I sometimes have a different response once I give myself time to address why I really had a certain knee jerk reaction. Tell your partner when you need some space to process and give yourself the adequate time before addressing any concerns with them (within reason-you don’t want to go days or weeks without having open and honest communication). The goal is to be calm and collected at all times when discussing situations so you don’t turn healthy communication into an argument.

Therapy and Support: Consider seeking therapy or support groups. Professional guidance can provide you with tools to navigate your emotions and past traumas effectively. Sometimes an outside eye can also give awareness of triggers you’re not able to see yourself and can help determine the “why” behind them. Having that third party support is often helpful to get you started on navigating healthy boundaries and establishing trusting in others again. Even possibly suggesting a couple’s counselor might be something helpful for the two of you to start the relationship off on the strongest foundation as possible and set you up for long term success.

5. Find the Right Partner

Think Ahead:  Knowing your relationship goals and what you truly want with someone else is important so you can successfully choose a partner that’s on the same path as you and y’all can have the best chances of respecting each others’ needs after having been hurt.

Look for Empathy and Understanding: A partner who listens to your concerns, values your comfort and confidence, and is willing to work through issues together is invaluable. Mutual respect and empathy are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Being understanding, willing, supportive, non-judgemental, and someone who sincerely wants to work with you to make positive changes both as individuals and a couple are traits that we should all look for in a partner.

Mutual Effort: Relationships require effort from both parties. Ensure your partner is willing to put in the same effort to maintain and grow the relationship. It’s perfectly ok and actually quite normal the older we get to both come from places of trauma or have baggage we’re holding onto. As long as the effort is there, there is always hope for a loving and happy future together.

Past Baggage: Since you understand that everyone has their own past issues and baggage, approach your partner with the same sensitivity towards their experiences that you would like to receive from them. Each relationship is unique and it’s essential to navigate it with understanding, care, and most importantly, as a team. Learn to unpack together as a couple instead of working against each other and creating tension. Strive to meet challenges with love and grace for each other.

Rebuilding trust and establishing healthy boundaries after a toxic relationship is challenging, but definitely not impossible! So have hope. It’s simply about having self-awareness, being open to healthy communication, and finding a partner who respects and values you and your needs just as much as theirs. Remember, it’s a journey, and taking it one step at a time with the right partner will make all the difference. Be patient with yourself and with your partner, and trust that with time and effort, you can both find the loving and healthy relationship you desire.

With love and hope, as always,

-LS