Overcoming Insecurities in New Relationships to Build Trust

by Lindsay | May 29, 2024 | Motivational, Relationships

Dear brave-hearted women,

Wading in the uncharted waters of new love after experiencing betrayal and heartache can feel like stepping onto a tightrope without a safety net.  The wounds from past relationships, especially infidelity and divorce, can leave deep scars that cast shadows of doubt and insecurity on our ability to trust again.  As women who have weathered storms of disappointment and betrayal, it’s natural to approach new relationships with a mixture of hope and trepidation.  But amidst the uncertainty, there lies the possibility of healing, growth, and love that surpasses past pain.

As someone who understands the weight of emotional baggage and the struggle to feel worthy of love after being hurt, I want to share some insights on how to navigate these murky waters and find solace in the embrace of a new relationship.  I’m still going through this myself and by no means have it all figured out.  I also find that although my head knows the right thing to do, sometimes putting it into practice in the moment is hard.  One important step is to find a partner who’s understanding and empathetic, willing to be patient and reassuring, and is committed to you, your healing, and building a healthy and long lasting relationship with you.  The fact is, we all have baggage.  Finding the person willing to unpack it all with you (and you with them), your ride-or-die, is the most important part.

Acknowledge Your Feelings:

The first step towards healing is acknowledging your emotions.  It’s okay to feel vulnerable, insecure, and afraid.  By allowing yourself to feel these emotions without judgment from yourself or from others (again, this is where the right partner is paramount), you pave the way for healing and self-discovery.  Once you figure out how you truly feel and discern your worries, you can begin to take the next steps toward moving forward.

Honor Your Past, Embrace Your Present:

Your past does not define your future.  While it’s essential to acknowledge the pain of your previous relationship, it’s equally important to recognize that you deserve happiness and love in the present moment.  Embrace the opportunity for a fresh start and allow yourself to be open to new possibilities.  The person you’re with now isn’t anyone from your past.  Even though it might be hard to put the past behind you, try your best to look toward a positive future with someone who genuinely cares about you and your happiness.

Communicate Openly:

Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship (no matter the type of relationship, but especially a romantic one).  Be honest with your partner about your fears and insecurities.  Expressing your feelings allows for vulnerability and fosters a deeper connection based on trust and understanding of one another.  Opening op to your partner might help them to respect you more and even encourage them to open up deeper to you as well.

Set Boundaries:

Establishing boundaries is crucial in rebuilding trust and safeguarding your emotional well-being.  Clearly communicate your needs and expectations with your partner and don’t be afraid to assert yourself if something doesn’t feel right.  You can’t live in fear that your boundaries won’t be respected and that might cause you to lose someone.  If that’s the case, it could just be they’re not the right person for you and it’s better to know that now.

Practice Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself during this journey of healing.  Practice self-care and self-love, nurturing your mind, body, and soul.  You’re worthy of love and deserve to be cherished just as you are.  If you aren’t compassionate with yourself and set an example, how can you expect your new partner to show you compassion/?

Trust Your Intuition:

Trust your instincts when it comes to discerning whether someone is genuinely invested in your well-being.  Pay attention to red flags, but also allow yourself to trust in the possibility of love and connection.  Even though it’s important not to project past relationship traumas onto new relationships, it’s also important to keep in mind that if it doesn’t feel right, it might not be and that’s okay.

Take It Slow:

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is trust.  As much as you want to give unwavering trust from day one, that’s not always realistic in a new relationship of any kind.  Take your time getting to know your new partner and allow the relationship to unfold naturally.  Rushing into things may exacerbate feelings of insecurity and doubt.  Again, trust your gut!

Seek Support:

Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist who can offer guidance and encouragement along the way.  Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide comfort and validation.  You want to put the best and most healthy version forward in any relationship you enter into, but also have the ability to recognize red flags and know when to walk away.  Learning to know the difference can help save you from potential heartache, but with proper support and guidance, can help you establish a long-lasting and beautifully trusting relationship.

Focus on Personal Growth:

Use this time to focus on your personal growth and self-discovery.  Invest in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment and cultivate a sense of independence and confidence outside of the relationship.  Allow your partner time to be an individual as well.  Building a strong sense of separation and time to miss each other early on can help develop healthy routines and patterns in your relationship that can be sustained long term and lead to lasting success.  As much as you want to spend time with your partner, learning to trust them during times you’re not together is important and having your own separate activities outside of the relationship is a great way to practice that.

Believe in Second Chances:

Lastly, believe in the power of second chances.  While the scars of past hurt may linger, they do not have to define the course of your future.  Allow yourself to embrace the possibility of love, knowing that you are stronger and wiser because of your experiences.  This might even be the case for your partner as well, so embrace each other, your baggages, and learn to love and trust each other in healthy ways.  You’re a team so work together to achieve a beautiful relationship and break free from insecurities in time.

Remember, dear friends, healing takes time, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time.  Trust that the right person will see your worth and treasure the beautiful soul that you are.  You are deserving of love, happiness, and a future filled with hope and possibility.  Hold your head up high, be confident, and feel secure in yourself and your relationship.  Even if that’s easier said than done right now, trust me, it will be worth it in the end!

With love and solidarity,

-LS

Living Alone After Divorce

by Lindsay | Apr 3, 2024 | Motivational, Relationships

Hello lovely readers,

I hope this finds you well. Today, I want to talk about something deeply personal and, I believe, relatable for many of us (unfortunately). As someone who’s recently become an empty nester and then gone through a divorce, I’ve found myself living alone for the first time (ever!). It’s been a strange and often challenging time, but it’s also a journey filled with self-discovery and some unexpected positives.  It took me a while to realize them and get on board with my new lifestyle, but I’m learning to welcome the changes, embrace the challenges as they come, and adapt to my new life on my own. So how do you navigate solitude after divorce and becoming an empty nester?

Adjust to Solitude

When my daughter graduated in 2019 and moved out, the house felt eerily quiet and empty. I had anticipated this moment throughout her senior year of high school, knowing that she would soon turn 18 and leave to start her own life. While I understood that this was a natural progression, as a teen mom who had always had her by my side, the reality was still hard to face. Even though my husband was still at home, I felt an immense sadness when she left, struggling to find a new sense of purpose. I knew she didn’t need me as she did when she was younger, and while I still worry about her safety, I’ve had to trust that she’s a smart and capable young woman. The transition from having her around all the time, especially as my only child, was incredibly challenging.

After my divorce, the silence that began when my daughter left became even more profound. Despite our rocky relationship, it was comforting to know someone else was there in the house with me. Although we had been sleeping in separate rooms for years, just having another person in the home provided a sense of security. We didn’t always communicate much, but knowing he was there for emergencies gave me peace of mind. The days leading up to his departure were daunting, and I was terrified to be on my own. The traditional view that men are the protectors and decision-makers in the home left me feeling vulnerable without him. Adjusting to this new lifestyle has been a slow process, but I’m gradually learning to trust myself, feel safe alone, and find ways to combat loneliness.

Now that I’m completely alone for the first time (minus my beloved furballs), I wanted to share some of my experiences and lessons learned. I hope these insights can help those of you facing similar situations. While I pray none of you have to go through a divorce, if you do, or if you’re transitioning to an empty nest, maybe these tips can ease your journey.

The Challenges

Living alone comes with its set of hurdles. These challenges have tested my resilience and forced me to grow in ways I hadn’t anticipated. Despite the difficulties, I’ve learned valuable skills and become more self-reliant in the process. Here are a few examples that I’ve encountered so far:

Household Maintenance and Repairs:

• Lawn Care: Mowing the lawn and weed eating were tasks my ex-husband typically handled. I had never even sat on the mower before he left, and unfortunately, he wouldn’t show me how to use it. So, the first time I used the lawnmower by myself, I had to learn how to change a flat tire, pump up two more by hand, turn it on, and then I scraped (and probably bent) the blades backing it out of the shed. Although I was nervous and there was a steep learning curve, I was determined because it had to be done, and there was nobody else to do it except me. It was a hot Texas summer day, and it took me several hours longer than it used to take him, but I did it. The sense of accomplishment I felt afterward was worth the sweat and effort.
• Plumbing Issues: When my toilet wouldn’t stop running and eventually turned from a trickle to a full-blown Niagara Falls gush, I felt overwhelmed and unsure where to start. I managed to turn off the water supply, spent hours watching YouTube tutorials, and made several trips to the store trying to find the correct parts to fix it. Despite changing out all the pieces inside the tank, I still couldn’t get it to flush and fill normally. After exhausting every possible solution over a few weeks and stumbling down the hall in the middle of the night to use the guest toilet, I finally broke down and spent the money on a plumber. He was impressed that I had attempted to fix it on my own and even gave me a discount because I was so close to fixing it. It turned out the parts I bought were faulty, which was reassuring as it showed I was on the right track. Although it was frustrating to be so close yet have to spend money I didn’t have on a plumber, it boosted my confidence and made me feel capable knowing I was almost there on my own.

Funny Side Story: The plumbing company was very adamant about keeping pets secured while their workers were on the job. I kept my dogs in the yard, as it was a nice cool day. The cats, however, were inside in the living room, but they were staying out of the way, so I let them be. My big meatball, who doesn’t typically like strangers, was hiding behind the couch. When the plumber finished and we were chatting while I was paying, he finally emerged from his hiding place and jumped up on the coffee table to say hello. The plumber commented on how much my cat looked like his own but couldn’t believe his size (he’s about 20 pounds). I guess my cat didn’t appreciate the comparison, and in true feline form, immediately swatted at the plumber, getting him pretty good on the finger. I was terrified the plumbing company would fine me or something for not having my pets completely secured, but luckily, they didn’t, and the plumber even forgave my cat after a few choice words!

• Emotional Loneliness:
  • Coming Home to an Empty House:Walking into a silent home at the end of a long day can be profoundly isolating. I used to look forward to catching up with my daughter or husband, and the absence of that familiar routine leaves a void. While my pets are great listeners, their lack of reciprocation makes it hard to fill that gap.
  • Dining Alone: Eating every meal alone is particularly difficult. Dinners and weekend breakfasts were always family affairs, times to connect and share our days without distractions. I deeply miss those conversations and shared laughter. Now, I seize any opportunity to have a meal with my mom, daughter, or friends. Plus, cooking for myself means I always have extra and get bored with the leftovers before I can eat them all. Recently, I’ve considered going to a local restaurant and sitting at the bar, just to be around people, eat something fresh and different (that I don’t have to clean up, added bonus!), and maybe catching an Astros game.
• Entertainment and Social Activities:
  • Watching Shows and Movies: Watching TV alone can be lonely, especially if you’re used to discussing the shows and movies with someone else. To fill that gap, I now make it a point to recommend every good show or movie to my mom or a friend and always take others’ recommendations. This way, I have someone to chat with about them.
  • Going Out: Whether it’s dining out, attending events, or simply going for a walk, doing these activities alone initially felt awkward. Fortunately, my dogs keep me company on walks, and we’ve recently started going down to the river to play in the water now that it’s summer. Going to the theater alone has never appealed to me, but it might be something worth trying. I’ve surprised myself with how many things I actually enjoy doing alone. Watching a rom-com by myself means I don’t have to worry about anyone else being bored with all the girly meet-cutes and “chick” stuff.
  • Grabbing a Drink: Doing this alone used to feel intimidating, but I’ve discovered it’s quite liberating. Whether it’s enjoying a coffee at a cozy café or having a cocktail at a bar, I’ve learned to appreciate my own company and treat myself to these experiences as I would if I were with others. It’s a great way to unwind, people-watch, and even strike up a conversation with someone new if I feel like it.
• Handling Finances:
  • Budgeting and Bills: Managing household finances alone was daunting. I had always been in charge of paying the bills, which I preferred, but my ex-husband and I used to pool our money together for this. Suddenly having sole financial responsibility was a significant shift. Even before he left, I started using a budgeting app to keep track of all my expenses and began cutting back on non-essential items like streaming services, nail appointments, and extra high-speed internet. It’s been a steep learning curve and required some sacrifices to our previous lifestyle, but I’m doing just fine with these adjustments. Embracing a simpler life has given me a better understanding of my finances, making me feel more in control despite having substantially less income.
  • Unexpected Expenses: When the car needed repairs or an appliance broke down, the financial strain was more acute. Slowly but steadily, I’ve been building an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. Although progress is slow due to limited extra income and the need to feed seven mouths, this fund has given me peace of mind and a sense of preparedness.
• Security Concerns:
  • Home Security: Living alone made me more conscious of security. While my three large dogs hopefully serve as a deterrent to potential intruders, I’ve also invested in security cameras placed around my home. These cameras might not completely prevent a break-in, but they act as an additional deterrent and can help identify a burglar if it comes to that. Having these measures in place has significantly alleviated my anxiety about being alone.
  • Health Emergencies: The thought of having a medical emergency while alone was daunting. To address this, I made sure to have a list of emergency contacts easily accessible and set up regular check-ins with friends or family members. Additionally, I familiarized myself with basic first aid. One of my biggest fears is choking, so I purchased a device that can help dislodge food if I ever choke while alone. These precautions have given me a greater sense of security and readiness.
• Decision-Making Fatigue:
• Making All Decisions Alone: From deciding what to eat for dinner to making significant life decisions, bearing sole responsibility for every choice can be utterly exhausting. To alleviate this burden, I often seek advice from friends or family and streamline daily decisions by planning meals and activities in advance. While plans can always be adjusted later, having a clear idea of what to expect and something to look forward to has been immensely beneficial for my mental well-being.  

Find the Silver Linings

Living alone certainly presents its challenges, but it’s also an opportunity to discover joy in the little moments. While there are still days or even longer stretches where I feel lonely and uncertain about what comes next, I’ve found several things that have made the journey easier. Whether it’s the satisfaction of finishing a DIY project, the tranquility of a quiet evening with a good book, or the freedom to watch whatever I want on TV, there are many small pleasures to appreciate. Here are some of the personal discoveries that have helped me embrace and thrive in my newfound solitude:

• Rediscovering Independence:
  • Empowerment Through Self-Sufficiency: Handling household tasks and repairs on my own has been incredibly empowering. For instance, I’ve started repainting the inside of my home, something I had never attempted before and something my husband was actually against (not sure why?). Though it’s taken me about 8 or 9 months and I’m still nowhere close to done, the pride I feel looking at the freshly painted walls, knowing I did it myself, is immeasurable. They look so pretty now! Each small victory in self-sufficiency reinforces my capability and independence. I also installed a brand new light fixture in my dining room, which I’m still surprised I even attempted. However, it’s done, I did it all by myself, and it was inexpensive and easy! Now I have a more modern light fixture to go with my half-done freshly repainted walls.
  • Not Being Needed for Everything: This aspect of my new life is bittersweet for me. It’s been extremely challenging not to feel needed or wanted anymore, and it has taken time to figure out my new purpose in life. However, having said that, it has been somewhat refreshing not to hear things like “where are my socks” or “hey, can I have 20 bucks?” These types of questions used to come from both my daughter AND ex-husband. While I enjoyed being the hero mom/wife to the rescue, it’s also been nice not to have to know everything for everyone else. Now I have the peace of mind of knowing that I won’t be questioned and if I put something somewhere it will be exactly where I know I left it later (unless a cat gets to it first).
• Personal Growth:
  • Time for Self-Reflection: Solitude has provided me with ample time for introspection. I’ve started journaling regularly, which has helped me process my thoughts and emotions. This period of self-reflection has deepened my understanding of myself, my goals, and my values. It’s been a journey of personal growth and self-discovery.
  • Pursuing Education and Skills: Investing in oneself and dedicating time to broaden one’s knowledge base is never a waste of time or resources. I’ve begun to consider what new things I want to learn and how I’d like to grow as an individual. Without the need to coordinate plans around others, I’ve started learning Spanish using an app on my phone. Even this small step in self-improvement feels significant and is something I’ve always wanted to do for myself but never prioritized.
• Freedom:
  • Redecorating and Personalizing My Space: I’ve fully embraced the freedom to redecorate and rearrange my home according to my tastes and preferences. For instance, I’m converting my daughter’s old room into an office and an oversized closet for myself, and transforming my former step-son’s room into a guest bedroom. These projects are not only enjoyable for me but also make my home feel uniquely mine. There’s no pressure to complete everything quickly; I can work at my own pace, as time and finances allow.
  • Flexible Schedule: Without needing to coordinate with anyone else’s schedule, I’ve established routines that suit me and my pets perfectly. I can exercise in the evenings, have dinner whenever I choose, and spend weekends indulging in hobbies or spontaneous outings. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it’s okay to go and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I used to feel guilty about taking time for myself, but that’s no longer as much of a concern now that I’m on my own.
• Pursuing Hobbies and Interests:
  • Rediscovering Old Hobbies:  I’ve revisited hobbies that I had set aside. For example, I’ve started writing and painting again—things I loved in my younger years but lost touch with. Rediscovering these passions has been incredibly fulfilling and a wonderful way to spend my free time.  
  • Exploring New Interests: I’ve also delved into new interests, such as gardening and learning to speak Spanish, as previously mentioned. Engaging in these activities has brought me joy and creativity. Each new skill I acquire adds to my sense of accomplishment and well-roundedness.
• Building a New Social Life:
  • Friends:  My husband didn’t really care for me to have many friends so the few I did have were connected to him, which made it awkward to maintain those relationships after our divorce. Instead, I’ve been focused on making new friends who know nothing about my past relationship and can get to know the person I am now, in this current chapter of my life. Recently, an old friend mentioned that I seem different after my divorce, and while it may not have been meant positively, I agree. I am different—I’m still myself, but I’ve undergone significant changes physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I’m okay with that. Finding new people who accept me without judgment and appreciate me for who I am now has become very important to me.
  • Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone:  I’ve actively pushed my anxieties aside and embraced trying new things. From exploring new foods and restaurants to joining community groups and events, I’ve challenged myself to do things I wouldn’t have considered before. This has led me to meet fascinating new people and discover new passions along the way.
• Enhancing Home Comfort:
  • Creating a Cozy Environment: I’ve dedicated time and effort to transform my home into a comfortable and inviting space. This includes investing in (affordable!) new furniture that I love sinking into after a long day. Decorating with plants has not only added a touch of greenery but has also brought a sense of calm and serenity to my living spaces. One of my favorite places to relax is my newly designed bedroom, which now feels like a peaceful retreat with soft lighting, soothing colors, and cozy bedding. Removing clutter, especially things that were not mine and were reminders of the past, has been incredibly liberating and has had a positive impact on my mental health. It’s allowed me to create a space that truly reflects who I am now and has significantly improved my overall well-being and mood.
  • Personal Projects: Taking on DIY projects around the house has become a fulfilling hobby. I’ve built shelves for my decor and art pieces, and I’ve even created my own artwork to hang on the walls. These projects have not only added a personal touch to my home but have also given me a sense of accomplishment and pride. They’ve allowed me to make my space uniquely mine, which has been empowering and rewarding.
• Self-Care and Wellness:
  • Prioritizing Self-Care: Living alone has given me the opportunity to prioritize self-care in ways I never did before. I’ve established a daily self-care routine that includes more down time, a skincare routine, and dedicating time to my hobbies and interests. This routine has become a non-negotiable part of my day and has helped me manage stress and improve my overall well-being. By taking care of myself, I’ve found that I have more energy and a more positive outlook on life.
  • Fitness and Health:  I’ve rediscovered the joy of incorporating fitness into my daily routine. Activities like lifting weights and low impact cardio have become staples in my schedule, and I love that I can do them at my own pace and on my own time. These activities not only keep me physically fit but also boost my mood and mental clarity. I’ve found that staying active is an essential part of maintaining my health and has become something I genuinely look forward to each day.

Tips for Thriving Alone

Despite the challenges and rollercoaster of emotions you’re bound to feel when living alone for the first time, there are numerous positives and opportunities that await. Here are some things you can do when you’re newly single and/or living alone.

1. Learn New Skills: Take this opportunity to learn skills that will make you more self-sufficient. YouTube tutorials have been a lifesaver for me, especially for home repairs.
2. Stay Connected: Loneliness can be mitigated by maintaining strong connections with friends and family. Regular calls, video chats, meet-ups, and even virtual hangouts can make a big difference.
3. Redefine Routines: Without the need to cater to others’ schedules, you can create routines that suit you perfectly. Whether it’s meal times, workout routines, or leisure activities, tailor your daily life to what feels best for you.
4. Pursue Hobbies: Dive into hobbies or interests you’ve always wanted to explore. For me, it’s been a mix of redecorating, writing, and picking up new crafts.
5. Adopt Pets: If you don’t already have pets, consider adopting. My furballs, although hard to care for all by myself at first (there are 6 of them and I’m outnumbered haha!), have been an incredible source of comfort and companionship. They fill my home with energy and unconditional love. And their ability to sense my sadness or loneliness sometimes and provide extra snuggles at just the right time is so incredibly amazing! 
6. Join Groups: Look for local clubs or groups that align with your interests. Whether it’s a book club, hiking group, or cooking class, these activities can help you meet new people and create a sense of community.
7. Volunteering: Volunteering at local charities has been another fulfilling way to spend free time. It’s not only rewarding to give back to the community, but it’s also provided a sense of purpose and can connect you with like-minded individuals.
8. Enjoy the Solitude: Take advantage of the quiet to practice self-care and mindfulness. Whether it’s a long bath, journaling, or simply enjoying a cup of tea in peace, these moments can be deeply restorative.

Final Thoughts

Transitioning to living alone is undeniably challenging, but each obstacle overcome brings a sense of accomplishment and self-reliance. It’s a journey of rediscovery and empowerment. By sharing these experiences and tips, I hope to offer support and solidarity to those of you facing similar transitions. Remember, it’s okay to feel lonely at times, but it’s also okay to find joy in your own company and every challenge is an opportunity for growth and learning. With each step, we become more capable and confident, ready to embrace the next chapter of our lives.

To all the women out there navigating similar transitions, know that you’re not alone. We’re all in this together, finding our way, one day at a time.

As always, with lots of love,

-LS