Hello lovely ladies,
The aftermath of a breakup or divorce can be one of the most challenging journeys we undertake, especially the older we get and after longer time periods with that person. As someone who has recently divorced from a marriage, plus over a decade total together, I understand the whirlwind of emotions that come with such a life-altering event. Going through the healing process is a rollercoaster and definitely not linear. Plus, disconnecting the life you built and merged together, navigating the situation with kids, and just learning how to start over on your own can all be very scary, surreal, and overwhelming. However, once we make it over the complexities and difficulties, I’m very pleased to say it does get better and you can find happiness once again. Today, I want to share my personal experience and some insights on healing, knowing when you’re ready to move on, and dipping your toes back into the dating pool after a divorce in your 30s.
Healing After Heartbreak
Healing is the first and most crucial step. It’s perfectly fine to feel hurt, lost, scared, and overwhelmed. Give yourself the grace to feel and process these emotions, and any others you may experience. For me, it involved rediscovering passions I had set aside, spending quality time with myself and the furballs, reconnecting with my needs, and updating my home to create a happy space just for myself. Spending intentional alone time may be helpful and taking a short break from typical social events is okay. Your community will understand! On the contrary, therapy, support groups, and extra friend and family time can be incredibly helpful during this time as well. Remember, healing doesn’t look the same for everyone and there’s no set timeline on how long it should or will take. It’s about finding what works for you, allowing yourself to grieve and grow at your own pace, rediscovering your new self, and taking the best care of your needs and well-being (both physically and mentally) in the meantime.
Know When You’re Ready
How do you know when you’re ready to date again? It’s different for everyone. Some signs might include feeling genuinely excited about the prospect of meeting new people, having a clearer sense of what you want in a partner (or maybe knowing what you DON’T want), and feeling emotionally stable. For me, the thought of moving on almost felt like a betrayal to the partner I had been with for so long, so when the thought of dating someone new no longer gives you negative feelings, but instead fills you with curiosity and hope, that could be your sign. I also knew it might be time to move on after I stopped missing my marriage and wishing it hadn’t worked out the way it did, and finally had started to accept what “is” without the longing to get the things I had back. I finally started to embrace the thought of a new life with someone new who could love me in the ways that I needed. Someone wise (my mom) kept telling me, “you can’t open the door to something new until you close the door to the old” and that was really helpful advice to help keep me moving forward.
Put Yourself Out There
So, how do you start dating again? The idea can be daunting, but remember, you’re not alone. Many women (and men!) in their 30s are in the same boat. Start small and be gentle with yourself. When you do meet people, look out for red flags, patterns you see from past relationships, and follow your gut instincts to help protect yourself from making the same mistakes or from being hurt again. It’s not that you have to build a fortress around your heart and never let anyone in again. You just don’t want to be too cautious and settle for just anyone. You’re worth happiness and someone who is going to treat you the way you deserve, so never accept any less!
When you’re ready, here are some ways to get back into the dating scene:
- Online Dating Apps and Websites: Popular dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, and Match.com allow you to create profiles and connect with potential matches based on your preferences and interests.
- Speed Dating Events: Many cities host speed dating events where you can meet a large number of potential partners in a short period of time. These events are structured to give you brief, timed interactions with each participant.
- Matchmaking Services: Professional matchmakers and matchmaking services can help you find compatible partners based on your personality, interests, and relationship goals. These services often provide a personalized and curated dating experience.
- Singles Meetup Groups: Websites like Meetup.com have groups specifically for singles looking to meet others. These groups organize various activities, from social gatherings to outdoor adventures, specifically designed for singles.
- Virtual Dating Events: Virtual speed dating or online social events have become increasingly popular, especially post-pandemic. These events allow you to meet people from the comfort of your home via video chat.
- Social Media Platforms: Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn can be used to connect with potential romantic partners. Joining groups or participating in discussions related to your interests can lead to meaningful connections. Many of these sites also have groups dedicated to meeting singles with common interests in your particular area.
- Online Interest Groups and Forums: Participating in online forums, Reddit communities, or interest-based groups (e.g., gaming, literature, travel) can help you meet like-minded individuals. Some of these connections can transition into romantic relationships and if not, you might be able to make new friends!
- Singles Cruises or Travel Groups: Companies organize cruises and travel packages specifically for singles. These trips are designed to foster social interactions and romantic connections among participants.
- Dating Coaches and Workshops: Engaging with a dating coach or attending dating workshops can provide you with strategies and opportunities to meet potential partners. These services often include social events and networking opportunities.
- Community Classes and Workshops (with a dating focus): Some community centers and organizations offer classes or workshops specifically geared toward singles. These might include dance classes, cooking classes, or other activities designed to facilitate meeting new people in a structured environment.
Meet People Organically
Meeting new people and building relationships organically can sometimes feel more authentic and more traditional. Although you never know when you’ll meet someone, meaning the process might take a little longer when you’re not actively pursuing a partner, there’s something so romantic about an unexpected meet-cute. If you’re ready to start slow or just not into the more modern approaches to dating that I’ve already mentioned, just being active and present in your community can help you can meet Mr. Right along the way when the timing is perfect. Here are some great places to consider that he might also be:
- Community Volunteering Events: Joining local charity events, community clean-ups, or volunteering at a food bank can be a great way to meet like-minded people who are interested in giving back to the community.
- Farmer’s Markets: Local farmer’s markets are perfect for casual interactions. You can strike up conversations about fresh produce, artisanal goods, or even local food vendors. Many markets also have live music or small events that encourage mingling.
- Art Shows and Galleries: Attending local art shows, gallery openings, or craft fairs can attract a diverse crowd of creative and culturally inclined individuals. These settings often have relaxed atmospheres conducive to starting conversations.
- Local Bookstores or Libraries: Many independent bookstores and libraries host book readings, author signings, and discussion groups. These events can attract people who share a love for literature and learning.
- Community Fitness Classes: Joining a local yoga, pilates, or group fitness class can be an excellent way to meet people who prioritize health and wellness. Many studios also host social events or wellness workshops.
- Cooking Classes or Food Tastings: Participating in cooking classes, wine tastings, or culinary workshops can be a fun and interactive way to meet others who enjoy food and cooking.
- Local Coffee Shops or Cafes: Frequenting a local coffee shop can help you become part of the regular crowd. Many coffee shops also host open mic nights, poetry readings, or casual meetups.
- Outdoor Adventure Groups: Joining a hiking club, biking group, or kayaking meetup can be a great way to meet active and adventurous individuals. Many outdoor groups have regular outings and social gatherings.
- Community Festivals or Street Fairs: Attending local festivals, street fairs, or cultural celebrations can be an exciting way to meet people in a festive and vibrant atmosphere.
- Language Exchange Meetups: Participating in language exchange meetups or cultural clubs can help you meet people interested in learning new languages and cultures, providing a unique and educational environment for socializing.
Remain Hopeful
Starting over can be intimidating (believe me, I know all too well!), but it’s also a time of great potential and excitement. Embrace this new chapter with an open heart and mind. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to move at your own pace and to set boundaries that make you feel comfortable. There’s no pressure or time limit to when any of this should be happening so go at your own pace. It’s important to remain hopeful and believe in the possibility of finding happiness and discovering love again, when you’re ready.
I want to remind all of you that it’s never too late to find your happily ever after. Your age or chapter in life shouldn’t define when or how you should fall in love. Every experience, every connection, and every step forward brings us closer to the love and joy we all deserve. So keep your heart open and your spirit hopeful. Love and happiness are absolutely within reach, even after the heartbreak of divorce.
To all of you wonderful ladies on similar paths, I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Let’s support each other and celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. And if dating again isn’t for you, that’s absolutely understandable, relatable, perfectly okay, and we celebrate you as well!
With love and the hope of romantic happiness once again,
-LS