Hey, friends.
After a marriage lasting only 615 days, my divorce is final today. At 8:36am, on my way to start the first day of jury duty, the same judge whose court I’m serving in signed our decree and I’m no longer a “Mrs”. It’s hard to believe it’s over.
I think the most difficult thing for me about divorce is that the person who I’d known so well, who knows me so well, and who I’ve spent every day for over 10 years with is now once again a stranger and will no longer be a part of my life. Our families will go back to being separate families and all we have now are memories. It’s a surreal feeling and one that I never thought I’d have to experience. And it sucks knowing this wasn’t my choice. This entire situation wasn’t within my control and that’s been hard to accept. That’s not to say that I think I was a perfect wife and didn’t contribute anything to the breakdown of our relationship, but I don’t think my choice ever would have been to end it. To me, that’s the opposite of what marriage means. I felt like if we had made it this far (over a decade together), we could get through anything and that’s the way it was meant to be. But my husband didn’t agree, so here we are and I’m forced to deal with it and move forward.
Honestly, in hindsight, after grieving over the last year at the loss of what I thought I’d have forever and losing my other half, I guess I’ve realized that this probably is for the best. I know I’ll be okay and think I’m finally on the road to becoming happy. What took me a long while to realize was that my husband and I were actually not happy for a long time, even before we officially got married, so I know in the long run we’ll be better off separate. It just took a while to come to terms with it. It’s hard to feel like the security of having my permanent partner and having to start all over again alone from the beginning is just going to take some time to process. I felt like after a decade of waiting for marriage to happen and then for my husband to tell me he wanted to end it because “it just wasn’t working” for him after only having been married for 8 months was just too hard to bear. But over the year that it took to file for and finalize the divorce, I was able to process and think I’m finally in a good place now.
Growing up, all I ever remember wanting to be is a wife and mother. My grandparents were married 62 years when my grandma passed away. They did everything together and were truly each others’ other (and better) half. Anyone who knows me now knows that 50 years is what I’m hoping for. I would love nothing more than to be blessed with 50 years of marriage with the love of my life. However, with now being nearly 40 and having already been through two major heartaches (my daughter’s dad and my ex-husband), I’d have to be married to someone practically tomorrow and live to be almost 90 years old for that to happen. So I feel like realistically my window on 50 years is quickly waning. But what I also have to remember is that God’s plan is better than mine. Being married for 50 years may not be what’s right for me, despite it being what I think I want.
All along I know that God was preparing me for exactly the place I’m in now. He knows every step, challenge, and success before I ever live it. So he knew this divorce was coming even before I was born. At least that’s what I believe.
During the early stages of my separation with my now ex-husband, it was my first time reading the entire Bible completely through in chronological order. I had read that God hates divorce. So when my husband told me last February, almost exactly a year ago to the day, that he was ending our marriage and wanted a divorce, I refused to accept it. I didn’t want to displease God in that way. I felt so strongly that I had made a commitment, a lifelong commitment, to our marriage and I was determined to fix anything that was wrong and see it through. I couldn’t let God down and I couldn’t live with the shame of being a failure, especially only 8 months after finally getting married.
It wasn’t until talking to a friend and sharing that I wasn’t ready to accept divorce because God hated it that I was given a new perspective. My friend is also a believer and someone who had been through divorce personally as well. They assured me that yes, God does hate divorce, but that I was probably not looking at it in the right context. God didn’t hate divorce because of the actual act of ending a marriage, which I had a hard time believing since marriages are supposed to be sacred. He certainly didn’t want me to stay in a marriage that (as I soon found out) was an adulterous one and what God likely meant when the Bible says He hates divorce, as my friend explained to me, was that he hated what it did to me and to any families who had to experience it. He hates seeing his children in pain and families being ripped apart by the end of a marriage. He wasn’t going to be angry with me because I was heading toward a divorce. He knew the pain I was in and He already saw everything I had done to try to save the marriage and put it back together. He saw what my husband had been doing behind my back. He knows even more things than just what I had eventually found out and even more than I will probably ever know. He doesn’t want me to have to suffer through the agony of my husband abandoning me and leaving for another woman, as well as for selfishness and greed. God hates my divorce because of how devastating it was for me, our children, and both of our families.
I’m so glad I had this friend to put this into perspective for me. It helped me to see that divorce, although I wish it could have been avoided, wasn’t something I should be ashamed of. It took me months of crying and struggling just to get out of bed every day to come to terms with the fact that it was happening, but I finally felt at peace because I no longer felt the shame that I was letting God down. And that’s not to say I wasn’t still extremely sad at the situation, because I was absolutely devastated that what I thought would be “forever” was already over, but at least I could move forward knowing I gave it all I had and that God wasn’t going to be angry at me. And since my husband moved out of state and refused to file because of how it would make him look at his job, this is when I finally found it within me to file for the divorce.
So here we are, almost exactly one year later from the worst day of my life, and I’m okay. This definitely isn’t anywhere I thought I’d be, but I know that this is all part of God’s plan and that in the end it will be what’s best for me. And for my ex-husband too. Wow, it actually feels weird to say “ex”. For so long even before he was officially my husband I always thought of him that way. So now for him to be my official “ex” and just a memory is something I think will take a little getting used to. But at least now it’s official.
And just to be clear, I think I’m healed (or at least mostly healed) from the heart ache. It’s not that I want the relationship back or that I’m still grieving that man. Although I think I’ll always have some love in my heart for him and what we once shared for an entire ⅓ of my life, the life and memories we made and the families we created together, I’m no longer in love with him. I don’t miss our relationship anymore and I’m finally feeling ready to move on to whatever is coming next. The thing is that everything I wanted was taken away from me without my consent and without even a warning. He was my friend, my person, my other half, and the one waiting for me every night when I got home. I don’t think I miss him per se, but I miss all that he was to me and what we had together. I miss the comfort and security. And I hate that he forced me to be alone without my friend, confidant, and the leader of our home. I’m angry that he had the choice to leave everything behind and start fresh while I’m stuck in the home we shared together with everything he left behind (and I do mean everything – clothes, personal items, tools, cars, etc.). I’m angry that he decided I was no longer good enough, our home wasn’t good enough, and our pets weren’t good enough, even though he was actually the problem (which I didn’t realize for many, many months and blamed myself for in the meantime).
Again, I’m not perfect and I know I have fault in his unhappiness and in our marriage ending. However, for him to have said “we tried and it didn’t work” just a couple months in and all while having an affair behind my back is just so ugly. It seems so unfair and like a slap in the face. But that’s what I’ve been given so I’m just rolling with it and trying to remember that it’s for a purpose (for my good and God’s glory). And I know in my heart now that it’s what’s best for both of us and all part of the plan. I know that he’s happier without me and can live the life he always wanted and that makes me happy for him. And I’m working on my own happiness as well. I’m getting his things out of my home, trying to find the joys that make me happy, continuing to heal, and starting to live life again.
I’ve seen a lot of other people have divorce parties and celebrate with friends when their divorces are finalized. I’m not sure that I feel like celebrating since this doesn’t really feel like any kind of accomplishment, milestone, or victory, but I guess I am glad it’s done. As much as I wished it didn’t have to have ended this way, once I realized this was actually happening and we weren’t ever going to reconcile, I just wanted to get it over with.
So cheers. I’m officially divorced. Now, on to the next chapter. One that I hope will be much happier and filled with new love, good food, lots of dancing, and never ending joy, even through the hard times. And on a positive note, I get to have my own last name back!
For anyone else going through something similar, my heart breaks for you. I didn’t know how bad this actually is until I started going through it myself. It’s rough. Just remember that it’s all part of the plan. It might hurt now, but in the words of someone much wiser than me (AKA my mom), “you can’t start something new until you get rid of the old” . So try to stay positive, focus on the future, and stay strong, even when it hurts. You may not think so, but you’ll be better off in the long run.
All my love and support always,
-LS