I used to be terrified of being alone.  Now I’m intentionally single.

Not because I stopped wanting love, but because I stopped being willing to lose myself trying to keep it.

Hello Beautiful Ladies!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Or if you’re single, happy Galentine’s Day, happy Pet Mom Day, or happy Single Ladies Day.  For me personally, it’s happy “my cats and I are eating pizza and judging rom coms on the couch” Day.

Valentine’s Day hits differently when you’re 40, divorced, heartbroken, healing, and extremely single.  Trust me, I know!

And when I say extremely single, I mean no boyfriend, no situationship, no “it’s complicated”, no almost, no maybe, no potential.  It’s just me, my six furballs, and a gym crush who doesn’t know I exist (yet! LOL).

Last year I would have hated admitting that, but this year I’m choosing it.  Not because I don’t want love.  Not because I’ve given up.  Not because I’m pretending I’m fulfilled.  But because I finally learned that peace is way better than potential.

Somewhere along the way I realized being single isn’t the worst thing that can happen to me.  I NEVER would have thought I’d be ok with being single.  It was never what I wanted and frankly, I couldn’t imagine anything more horrifying.

And I actually think Mr. Situationship helped teach me that, even if I didn’t want the lesson at the time (being on the receiving end of it is a lot of more painful).  He is so bent on NEVER having a relationship that it forced me to look at the other side of things.  It opened my eyes to the “dark side” and helped me realize maybe being single isn’t so bad after all.

For years I was terrified of being alone.  I tried to make things work for way too long. I forced things.  I held on out of fear and anxiety and because I didn’t want to start over again.

I was scared to sit in this house by myself.  Scared to be the only adult responsible for everything.  The bills.  The decisions.  The pets.  The what-ifs.  I was scared I wouldn’t make it financially.  Scared that if I let go, I wouldn’t be able to rebuild.

But here’s what I didn’t know then:  God was already building this life for me.

I didn’t become independent because I felt brave.  I became independent because I had no other choice.  And somehow, with His help, I figured it out.  The house stayed.  The pets stayed.  I stayed.  I learned how to carry it all.

And now that I’ve built this life, I’m not risking it for something uncertain.  I’m not willing to risk it for anything.

When I started dating after my divorce, I was afraid, and really I still am sometimes, that nobody would want me.  I’m a little overweight.  I’m getting older.  I have a grown child and a small zoo of pets.  I come with baggage.

So I kept asking the wrong questions.  Could this possibly work even though it’s not perfect?  Could this become something? Could I make this fit?  How can I be better or do better so he’ll like me more?

But now I ask a different question:  Is this aligned?

Does he want what I want?  Are our lifestyles aligned?  Our beliefs?  Does he give me the ick (haha)?

And if the important things aren’t aligned, I let it go.  Protecting my peace is better than settling just because I’m lonely.

This didn’t happen overnight.  I told someone a couple months ago that I didn’t want a relationship unless I knew it was right.  Truthfully, I had been feeling that long before that.  I was tired of twisting myself smaller just to keep something going.

Mr. Situationship didn’t create that realization, but he definitely helped me solidify it.

He taught me something I didn’t want to learn.  You can care about someone deeply and still not be aligned for the life you want.  And forcing something because you’re scared to be alone will cost you your peace every time.

So here I am.  Fully undeniably single.

Not technically single.  Not emotionally attached but pretending I’m not.  Not loyal even though he isn’t loyal to me.  Not reserving space in my heart for someone who isn’t reserving space for me.

Just single.  And yes, it’s lonely sometimes.

I don’t have little kids at home.  I don’t have a husband.  I don’t have a huge community.  Some nights it’s so quiet in a way that feels heavy.

And then I think about my daughter’s best friend who just passed away.  She was surrounded by so much love and community and I still can’t make sense of it.  Why am I still here alone when she had so much life around her?  I don’t have the answers.

But I do have peace.  And that peace is new.

Peace became the proof that I’m exactly where God wants me right now.  If you had told me two years ago that I’d be this single on Valentine’s Day and not spiraling, I definitely wouldn’t have believed you.

I’m not single because no one wants me, even though sometimes it feels that way.  I’m single because I finally want the right love more than I want good enough.

I’m learning I don’t need validation, settling, or someone in my life just for the sake of having someone.

I still want marriage one day.  I want a man who puts God first.  Someone strong and steady.  Someone who can balance faith, fitness, work, fun, and purpose.  Someone who wants partnership, loyalty, intentionality, and safety.  Not messy and not chaos.

But until that man exists and God confirms it, I’m not committing to anyone.

I won’t move out of this house into a marriage house unless I’m completely sure.  I’m not giving up what God so carefully and generously put in place for me just to say I’m married.  I cannot afford to hand over my stability to something that isn’t solid   I’ve worked too hard to get here.

This home.  This independence.  This stability.  It didn’t come easy.  It came through heartbreak and fear and learning how to stand on my own two feet when I didn’t want to.

I’m protecting what God gave me.  Not out of fear, but out of wisdom because I cannot survive another shattering.  I won’t gamble my peace, my pets, my home, or my security for almost or maybe.

When I choose again, it will be for something certain.

For now I’ll date.  I’ll learn.  I’ll practice being social without attaching myself to Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.  No casual that turns into confusion.  No rescuing broken men who need therapy more than a girlfriend.  No more letting someone control everything without giving me safety, clarity, and mutual respect.

From here on out I’m praying for discernment.   I need the ability to filter out what isn’t for me and the wisdom to recognize the man God has intended for me when he shows up.

In the meantime I’ll keep healing, growing in my faith, lifting weights, building businesses, and creating my community.

I’m flawed.  I’m divorced.  A little messy. Maybe hard to love.  But I’m trying really hard and I’m finally not terrified of being alone.

So this Valentine’s Day, I’m not posting a couples photo.  I’m not pretending I’m unbothered either.  But I’m also not settling just so I don’t have to sit with the quiet.

I’m intentionally single.  I guess.  At least for now.

And strangely, that feels strong.

Love you!

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