Hi Friends,

I’ve always felt like I was made for something more.  Not in an entitled way.  Not in an I’m better than anyone else way. Just in a quiet, persistent knowing that my life has a purpose beyond surviving loss after loss.

If you’ve been around the last couple of weeks, you know I’ve really been going through it.  Honestly though, the last five or six years of my life have felt like a nonstop cycle of grief, goodbyes, and rebuilding from scratch over and over again.  It’s been draining in a way that’s hard to explain unless you’ve lived it.  I’ve felt like I’m in a non-stop transition and just barely surviving.  Every time I have hope that life is settling and I may have found someone or something, it gets ripped away and I start all over again.

It feels like nobody ever chooses me.  Well the reality is, they actually don’t.  And yet, I still feel like I was made for something more.

I don’t know exactly what the “more” looks like right now.  I don’t know how it’s all supposed to come together or when.  I just know I wasn’t created to live small, unnoticed, or unused.  I believe I was made with intention and purpose.  There’s something specific I’m supposed to do.  I just don’t know what it is yet.

Over the last couple years in transition and trying to meet new people, I’ve continually been praying a bittersweet prayer:  God, please remove the people and things from my life that don’t serve the purpose You have for me.

And wow, He has.  There’s literally nobody left.  He’s peeled away all the bad decisions and missteps I’ve made while grasping straws to figure it all out.

Recently I’ve really been asking God to remove one specific person from my life who has been around a very long time.  I’ve actually asked this for this person many times, but he always comes back.  If he wasn’t meant to be there, I needed God to remove him for good because I knew I’d never be strong enough to do it myself.  It’s not what I wanted so when he comes back, I always let him.

That person was and is the love of my life.  I want him permanently.  I want a seat at his table without fear of loss.  I want him in my future.

But out of the blue, God created a moment where it became clear to us both that staying wasn’t the best choice.  We ended things calmly and amicably, but incredibly ambivalently and tearfully.  It made sense logically in my mind and although it wasn’t what I wanted, I followed his lead when it seemed like there were no other smart options left to stay.

But my heart is devastated.  This wasn’t the answer I wanted.  It may ultimately have been the answer I needed and have been seeking from God for so long, but that doesn’t soften the blow any more and my longing for a different outcome.  It’s been hard and the emotions keep coming back up like a rollercoaster and stronger than ever.

But I’m trying to trust that God knows what I don’t.  He saw things I didn’t see.  He heard things I didn’t hear.  He knows what’s best for me and he’s acting with kindness because of his unconditional love for me.  So even when an answer feels cruel, it’s protective.  He’s helping me choose what’s best for me since I’m not able to do it myself.  He’s protecting my heart and mind just like I’ve asked.

The truth is, even when I doubt it and even when I feel forgotten by the entire world, God did choose me.  Jesus chose me when He took the wage of death for my sins.  He chose me when He loved humanity knowing it would cost Him everything.  And that is way more significant than being desired or chosen by anyone in this broken world.

So now, even though there’s a longing to again have what I lost, I have to choose myself.  And I have to choose Him.  Sometimes obedience looks like letting go of something you would have held onto forever and turning it all over to God so He can work on your heart.  I’m trying to not let my heart be hardened by it all and just lay it all at His feet so he can get me through this transition and into my purpose.

Now that I’ve had a minute to grieve, I’ve decided I’m entering what I can only describe as my ghost mode.  I don’t want to disappear or further isolate myself because my biggest desire is connection, but to strip away all distractions so I can listen.  I need to drown out the noise that’s been louder than God’s voice.  I need to figure out who I am when I’m not chasing love, approval, or belonging from people who can’t give it to me.  I need to filter out all the things I’ve been trying over and over to get to the real things I’m supposed to be prioritizing and focusing on.

Recently, my daughter’s best friend passed away at just 25 years old.  That shook me.  All of us.  Because she had such an amazing heart and made an impact in her short life that will be remembered forever by all who were honored to know her.

But it made me ask a terrifying question:  If I died today at 40, would anyone say the same about me?  Quite simply, the answer is no.

The desire is there.  My heart is there.  The intention has always been there.

But somewhere along the way, my energy kept getting poured into people and situations that trampled my huge heart instead of using it for good.  My heart has been chipped away over and over, and I’ve strayed so far from where I need to be.  So this next season is about focus, obedience, and about trusting God even when He doesn’t hand me the full plan.  Because He doesn’t give us the whole roadmap.  He gives us steps and asks us to walk.  So it’s my job to hear, listen, and obey.

I know there has to be more than this.  God has answered my prayer and removed ALL the people and things not meant for me or to help fulfill His purpose for me.  I’m in my pruning and rebuilding season.  But there has to be more than two people on this planet, my mom and my daughter, who choose me.  There has to be someone who wants me and enjoys me.  Someone I can help.  There has to be a way to use my experiences, my pain, my losses to leave this world better than I found it.

I’m so tired.  I’m so sad.  But I’m so not done.

It’s time to rise.  To trust my God.  And to finally find out what I was made for.  For the first time and when nobody else does, I choose me.

If you’re in transition, in a rebuilding year, in a season of grief and loss, trust that something big is coming from God for you too.  He’s just getting you ready for your purpose and removing everything holding you back from it.  I see you and I’m with you.  Let’s choose “me” and God together!

Always,