Entering a new relationship after experiencing hurt, betrayal, and divorce can be daunting. The emotional scars from a previous toxic relationship can cloud your judgment and make it challenging to establish healthy boundaries that lead you to trust your new significant other. I know that for me, the desire to move on is there, but I also fear that maybe I’m not ready to trust again or that I might mess up something potentially great with an amazing man if I’m not fully healed. I don’t want to project old wounds onto a new partner or end up hurting them and pushing them away because I just can’t get past what someone else has done to betray my trust. I’ve really been doing a lot of self reflecting, researching, and trial and error to figure out the best way to move forward to find peace and happiness in new relationships. If you’re also struggling with a new relationship or thinking about getting back into dating after a heartbreak (or multiple, like me!), here are some ways you can approach this delicate process to grow your next healthy and happy relationship.
1. Understand Your Healthy Boundaries
Recognize Your Needs: The first step in establishing boundaries with your partner is to first recognize them yourself. Take time to reflect on what you need from a relationship to feel secure and respected. This involves understanding what behaviors are unacceptable to you, what makes you feel valued, and what a healthy and balanced relationship looks like to you. If you’ve been hurt in the past by a particular experience, really dive into that experience and analyze what it would take for you not to feel that way again in the future.
Establish Clear Boundaries: Once you have a grasp on your needs, communicate them clearly to your partner. Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially when there is a particular hurt from a past trauma. Every relationship is different and maybe a new partner won’t trigger a wound left by a previous partner who has hurt you. However, having these boundaries ahead of time and discussing them openly helps to define what’s acceptable behavior and what is not for both partners. For example, you might need boundaries around social media interactions, time spent with people of the opposite sex, or how much personal and together time you each need.
2. Communicate Your Boundaries
Be Honest and Direct: When discussing your boundaries, be honest about your past experiences and how they have shaped your current needs. A genuine partner will appreciate your transparency and be willing to listen.
Use “I” Statements: Explain your boundaries and feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when…” instead of “You make me feel…”, especially since your new partner might not have yet crossed any of these boundaries. It’s definitely best to have these discussions ahead of time prior to any conflict, but then also reassess and converse again if anything upsetting or uncomfortable comes up (because that’s part of life and will inevitably happen through time in any relationship).
Be Open to Dialogue: Healthy communication is a two-way street. Be open to hearing your partner’s feedback regarding your boundaries, as well as listening to their boundaries and concerns as well. This mutual understanding is crucial for building a strong foundation and making you both feel like you’re part of a team. It will help build trust and give you both an opportunity to be reassuring. Knowing someone’s past hurts and insecurities can be helpful in making sure you’re sensitive to them and help you to both cast out any doubts that either of you might have.
Continue to Evolve When Needed: If you’re already on the same page with your partner in all of the areas that are important to you both, great! If not, keep the lines of communication open and prioritize discussions that will lead you to a resolution together. Additionally, sometimes you won’t even know you have a trigger and need a boundary put in place until a situation arises. Be sure you’re both open to pivot when needed and again, always keep the communication flowing. Nothing kills a relationship faster than tension and resentment of undiscussed and unresolved issues.
3. Build Trust
Take It Slow: Trust is built over time through consistent and reliable actions. Don’t rush the process. Allow your partner to show their trustworthiness gradually and be sure you’re doing the same for them. Don’t accuse or “punish” them in the meantime until the trust is fully there. If I haven’t said it enough already, simply COMMUNICATE your concerns as they arise so you can continue on the path of complete and total trust. Remember that you’re both on the same team and tackle problems together because you care about and respect each other.
Observe Actions, Not Just Words: Pay attention to your partner’s actions. Do they follow through on their promises? Are they respectful of your boundaries? Actions often speak louder than words and it’s paramount for the direction of your relationship that you don’t ignore red AND green flags in your new partner’s actions.
Address Concerns Early: If something your partner does makes you uncomfortable, address it early on. Don’t let issues fester. A good partner will be willing to make communication a priority and willing to discuss adjustments to their behavior. Then, wait for the action and let them show you they heard and value you and your needs.
4. Work Through Past Traumas
Acknowledge Your Triggers: Self-reflection should be continual to be aware of the things that trigger negative emotions based on your past experiences. This self-awareness will help you differentiate between genuine red flags and old wounds to help you not potentially project them on your new partner. Yes, you need a supportive partner who is genuinely invested in you and helping you to feel confident in your relationship with them, but you need to be sure you’re doing your part and putting in the effort as well.
Be Slow to Anger: Give yourself space to process your reactions. Sometimes, your initial response may not reflect your true feelings. Take a step back, reflect on why you felt triggered, and assess if it’s a boundary that needs to be discussed or something you may just need to work through internally. I know that at least for myself, I sometimes have a different response once I give myself time to address why I really had a certain knee jerk reaction. Tell your partner when you need some space to process and give yourself the adequate time before addressing any concerns with them (within reason-you don’t want to go days or weeks without having open and honest communication). The goal is to be calm and collected at all times when discussing situations so you don’t turn healthy communication into an argument.
Therapy and Support: Consider seeking therapy or support groups. Professional guidance can provide you with tools to navigate your emotions and past traumas effectively. Sometimes an outside eye can also give awareness of triggers you’re not able to see yourself and can help determine the “why” behind them. Having that third party support is often helpful to get you started on navigating healthy boundaries and establishing trusting in others again. Even possibly suggesting a couple’s counselor might be something helpful for the two of you to start the relationship off on the strongest foundation as possible and set you up for long term success.
5. Find the Right Partner
Think Ahead: Knowing your relationship goals and what you truly want with someone else is important so you can successfully choose a partner that’s on the same path as you and y’all can have the best chances of respecting each others’ needs after having been hurt.
Look for Empathy and Understanding: A partner who listens to your concerns, values your comfort and confidence, and is willing to work through issues together is invaluable. Mutual respect and empathy are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Being understanding, willing, supportive, non-judgemental, and someone who sincerely wants to work with you to make positive changes both as individuals and a couple are traits that we should all look for in a partner.
Mutual Effort: Relationships require effort from both parties. Ensure your partner is willing to put in the same effort to maintain and grow the relationship. It’s perfectly ok and actually quite normal the older we get to both come from places of trauma or have baggage we’re holding onto. As long as the effort is there, there is always hope for a loving and happy future together.
Past Baggage: Since you understand that everyone has their own past issues and baggage, approach your partner with the same sensitivity towards their experiences that you would like to receive from them. Each relationship is unique and it’s essential to navigate it with understanding, care, and most importantly, as a team. Learn to unpack together as a couple instead of working against each other and creating tension. Strive to meet challenges with love and grace for each other.
Rebuilding trust and establishing healthy boundaries after a toxic relationship is challenging, but definitely not impossible! So have hope. It’s simply about having self-awareness, being open to healthy communication, and finding a partner who respects and values you and your needs just as much as theirs. Remember, it’s a journey, and taking it one step at a time with the right partner will make all the difference. Be patient with yourself and with your partner, and trust that with time and effort, you can both find the loving and healthy relationship you desire.
With love and hope, as always,
-LS