Hi, friends.

What’s a situationship?

A situationship is a romantic connection that lacks clear definition or commitment.  It might look like dating someone consistently, but never becoming “official.”  It might feel like a relationship, but usually without the title, exclusivity, a firm commitment, or plans for a future together.

It could be friends with benefits.  It could be dating someone who says they “aren’t ready” or “let’s just see where things go.”  It often includes real feelings, real intimacy, and real connection, without real clarity and sometimes only one-sided.

Why do situationships hurt so much?

Because even without a title, your feelings were real.

When something ends, whether it’s a friendship, a dating connection, or a full-blown relationship, it’s still a loss.  You’re losing someone you cared about, someone you shared memories with, someone you spent significant and meaningful time with, and maybe even someone you love deeply.  The hurt doesn’t require a label to be valid.

In fact, the lack of definition can sometimes make the heartbreak even harder.  You don’t get closure, you question whether you’re “allowed” to grieve, and you can’t point to an anniversary or breakup date that makes it feel real.  That confusion can deepen the pain.

Is a situationship always a bad thing?

Not necessarily.  If you’re healing from a divorce or major breakup, companionship without pressure might sound like exactly what you need in the moment.  Going to dinner, laughing with someone, feeling a little less alone can feel like comfort.

If you and the other person are on exactly the same page, fully honest, transparent, respectful of boundaries, and truly not expecting more, it might work temporarily. But…

Be honest with yourself:

If you’re secretly hoping that person will change or commit later, you might be putting your heart in harm’s way.

Can a situationship turn into a real relationship?

Sometimes.  But usually, what starts vague stays vague.  Hoping someone will eventually commit often leads to heartbreak.

People who want a committed relationship usually make it clear.  If someone says they’re not ready or don’t want anything serious (ever), believe them.  Don’t wait around trying to “earn” their love or change their mind.

Why did it hurt even though we weren’t “together”?

Because you shared time, laughed, connected, had intimacy, and made memories together.  Maybe even shared your body.  You hoped it would grow into something more and now that hope is gone.  You might have even received an “I told you” so along the way which makes it sting that much more.

Heartbreak isn’t reserved for official relationships.  Love doesn’t require a title.

Should I have waited to be physically intimate?

Only you can decide what’s right for you, but in my opinion and from a Biblical perspective, I believe that waiting for marriage protects your heart, your body, and your future.

Physical intimacy creates a deep emotional and even spiritual bond.  For women especially, it can lead to feelings of attachment and longing that go far beyond the moment.  And if that connection ends?  It can feel soul-crushing.  Sometimes in ways that men can’t or don’t experience, leading to even more confusion and negativity from them.

You deserve a partner who honors your boundaries, values your body, and shares your beliefs.  You don’t have to compromise your standards just to keep someone around.  Nothing you do or don’t do, your actions, should be used to convince a man to stay with you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH just by being YOU.

But I feel stupid for getting involved at all…

Stop right there, my sweet friend.  You are not stupid.  You’re human.  You wanted love.  You wanted connection.  And that’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

We all make decisions from the place we’re in.  If you were lonely, vulnerable, newly single, or hopeful, of course this person meant something to you.  They made you feel special in a low place and maybe took advantage of your vulnerable situation.  Feeling sad doesn’t make you weak.  It makes you real.

From My Heart to Yours…

I recently walked away from a situationship, too. It would’ve been our one-year “anniversary” last weekend, even though we weren’t officially anything and didn’t have an exclusive title.  For the past year, we spent time together most weekends, just enjoying each other’s company without a commitment or the need to check in constantly.

We watched movies, shared dinners, and laughed a lot.  He was my friend, my comfort, and truly one of my favorite people.  And I know he felt the same way.  But he also made it clear from the beginning that he’s not interested in having a committed relationship right now.

And while that dynamic might work for some people and even me for right now, deep down, I know I will want more in the future.  It doesn’t have to be with him, even though that would be ideal given how much we connect and how much we enjoy our time together.  But I think I may want a relationship one day that’s marriage-minded with someone who sees me as their person.  So eventually, this “relationship” will have to end to make room for someone more compatible, even though that breaks my heart that it won’t be him.

In the meantime though, he had all the control.  And he knew it.  I couldn’t just call and say, “hey, I’d like to see you today.”  I had to wait and hope he’d reach out each weekend and rush to get ready when he did so he wouldn’t say “never mind” if I took too long to make myself pretty for him.

And when he didn’t call?  It broke me.  Time and time again.

Eventually, I started to have enough.  I started to feel bored of the dynamic and disconnected.  I began to lose interest.  Not in him as a person, but in the one-sided way we were relating.  I still had an amazing time when we saw each other and he still made me feel so special when we were alone together, but in between I’d miss him, wonder if I’d get to see him the next weekend, and end up thinking about him way too much.  We’ve talked many times about it needing to be more mutual, but his actions made it pretty clear it would always be one-sided and on his terms. So I knew I needed to stand up for myself.  I want to figure out what my boundaries are in this season of singleness and start voicing my needs without fear of being left.  We didn’t even talk about it, but it was kind of naturally just waning.

But then…it ended for real after I found out some things I really, really didn’t want to know.  All because there was the freedom to do whatever was good in the moment without any real consequences.  We were both single and there was no formal commitment.  So that made it “ok” even though he hid it because he knew how badly I would be hurt.  So it had to end.  For real.  There was no closure and no apology for the hurt and pain, but I know it’s what we both need because he wants to be single and do single things and it makes me sad.

Don’t get me wrong, this man is someone I’ve known for a very long time and the feelings I have for him are deep.  They always were and always will be.  I’ll miss his company.  I’ll miss our inside jokes, our time together and memories, everything he’s taught me, and our laughs.  I’ll miss my friend.  I’ll never have negative feelings toward him though and will always wish him nothing but the best.  I hope to see him in passing often just for a quick hug and to make sure he’s doing ok.

But unfortunately, as reluctant as I am to admit it, it’s probably best to move on now rather than later even though that’s not what I want in this moment.  Before I get any more attached or before I miss an opportunity to meet my true person.  Not because he’s a bad person.  AT ALL.  But because I finally realized that I deserve more and to be involved with someone who’s on the same page at the right time.  I deserve to be with the right person for me.

And through this experience, here’s what I’ve learned:

• If someone truly wants to be in your life, they make room for you.
• If you have to ask for consistency, you’ll never feel secure.
• If they don’t value your time, your body, or your heart, they’re not your person.

Before You Enter a Situationship…

Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I truly ok with this staying casual forever?
• Does this align with what I know I’ll eventually want in the future?
• Will I feel hurt if they start dating someone else?
• Am I hoping they’ll change or grow into something more?
• Am I compromising my physical boundaries just to keep them from ending things?
• Would my future husband be proud of how I’m loving myself right now?

Just remember…

If you’re single in your 30s or 40s, I know how tempting it is to settle for something, even if it’s not quite what you want or know what you will want.  The silence gets loud while being single, especially when you’ve never really been single before like me.  I absolutely get it!  The weekends and evenings get lonely.  The idea of sharing a laugh with someone feels like enough and you tell yourself you can handle it.

But you deserve more than almost love.  You deserve real, respectful, faithful, secure love.

Don’t let anyone convince you that your feelings don’t matter just because there wasn’t a title.  Don’t trade your standards for a bit of affection here and there or the bare minimum effort.  And please, don’t settle for being someone’s “maybe.”

Your story isn’t over.  And the right man that God has handpicked for you won’t need convincing.

Until then, be strong, be wise, be kind to yourself.  And remember:  it’s ok to grieve.  Even if you’re the only one.

Because what YOU felt was real and that makes you courageous and shows how big your heart is.  If you’re going through this, I see you and you will be ok.  YOU’RE WORTH BEING HAPPY so don’t give up on yourself.

With so much love and support,